Marco Rubio
Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio has much to sweat about

NEWPORT BEACH (The Nedelman Report) — Marco Rubio has won The Nedelman Report’s annual “Screw-Shoes Award” for the most financially irresponsible politician seeking high public office in 2016.

The editorial board issued the following statement explaining why Marco Rubio deserves the annual Screw-Shoe Award:

“Marco Rubio won the 2016 Screw-Shoe Award because, like previous winners, he’s so crooked he has to screw on his socks and shoes in the morning. We normally award this prize in December of the current year for questionable or fraudulent acts relating to  public fiscal irresponsibility. We decided to award Rubio nine months early for the claims Marco Rubio made leading up to his Iowa primary 3rd place finish. Clearly Rubio demonstrates a complete disregard for the truth relating to public money that passed through his hands, our primary criteria for this award. Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton weren’t even close, although both do surpass Rubio in overall general shiftiness.”

Despite Rubio being unable to manage or keep his personal and business finances separate, Rubio made numerous claims of being able to balance the federal budget, a notoriously difficult enterprise, at best, especially made more difficult by proposing to follow Bush policies of starting superfluous wars and lowering taxes for the wealthiest in order to make the struggling middle class pay for them.

While speaker of the Florida House of Representatives between 2005 and 2008, “Marco Sticky Fingers,” as Florida political insiders with mob connections refer to him, commingled a great deal of personal and business expenses on his Republican Party of Florida American Express card. The Tampa Bay Times reported in 2010 that of the $100,000 Rubio put on the GOP (official business only) Amex card, much was used for personal expenses — wine, his family minivan repairs, extravagant dinners, and $6,773 charged for a Rubio family reunion at a resort.”

Salon’s political writer, Simon Maloy, states that portraying Rubio as “bad with his finances” just gives him a chance to claim that he is like everyone else. Maloy further cogently observed:

“The damning part of all this is that he abused resources made available to him as Speaker,” says Maloy. “I’m not especially bothered that Rubio can’t balance his checkbook, but I do care that he’s a corruptible sneak.”

Tea Party Wary About Bobby Jindal’s Birth Certificate

Bobby Jindal before declaring presidential candidacy
Bobby Jindal before declaring presidential candidacy

Bobby Jindal before declaring presidential candidacy

WASHINGTON (The Nedelman Report) Bobby Jindal’s parents are immigrants from India. Jindal states that he was conceived in India and born in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, in 1971. Tea Party activists and birthers are questioning the legitimacy of his birth certificate – as they are wont to do with any potential candidate for President possessing a foreign-sounding name or skin darker than an albino alligator. Troubling also to the conservative Republican base is the fact that Jindal’s skin tone seems to change over time.

Bobby Jindal becomes lighter color in office

Bobby Jindal becomes lighter color for official portrait

Jindal, in his presidential bid, says he is praying for guidance to the “Republican” elephant god, Ganesh, widely revered in the Hindu pantheon of gods as the “remover of obstacles.” Tea Partiers and evangelical conservatives would come unglued if they ever got a whiff of the truth about who Ganesh really is. Jindal further claims that praying to Ganesh for high public office works much better than Mitt Romney’s special Mormon underwear, which clearly failed him and left Romney with his ass hanging out after each of his failed presidential runs.

“Bobby” Jindal, like many Southerners, has maintained the same pronunciation of his first name as he did in elementary school, instead of the mature-sounding Bob or Robert. The fact that Jindal never added a second or third first name, like Bobby Joe, Billy Bob, Bobby Joe Ellen, or Channarayapatra Bobby, is highly troubling to Southern Republicans and evangelical Christian conservatives who worry incessantly about where everyone was born and what they do with their genitals.

That poverty and illiteracy rates of Louisiana closely mirror those of India also raises suspicions about Jindal’s real birth place. Conspiracy theory prone Republicans and Tea Partiers, including the alpaca-haired Donald Trump, are concerned that the entrenched poverty and poor education system in Louisiana remind Jindal of an India he knew at a young age, indicating that he might not have been born in the United States after all.

While India has a higher literacy rate than Louisiana – 94% for India versus 84% for Louisiana – Tea Partiers, conservative Republicans, and evangelical Christians consider Louisiana’s low literacy rates a point in Governor Jindal’s favor. The conservative think tank, the Heritage Foundation, concludes that if Louisiana wants to maintain its lock on Southern education excellence as it has since Reconstruction after the Civil War, its voters must continue electing creationist evangelical Christians to state and local school boards. Jindal agrees with the Louisiana Conclave of Southern Baptist Ministers claims that this will serve to protect the people of Louisiana from creeping literacy, creeping employment, Obamacare, and higher SAT scores.

(Author’s note: This article is an excerpt from Bart Nedelman’s upcoming book, Finding God, Losing God: the Spiritual and Irreverent Upside to Losing Faith, on sale mid-July from

Sara Palin’s Secret Plan to Run for President

Sara Palin - Photo credit: Reuters
Sara Palin - Photo credit: Reuters

Sara Palin – Photo credit: Reuters

WASHINGTON (The Nedelman Report) It is reported that there is a plan to secretly train Sara Palin to speak in complete sentences in preparation for a 2016 presidential run.

The Center for Republican Apologist Propaganda (CRAP), the fantasy wing of American Crossroads, the Republican Super PAC headed by Karl Rove, has finally completed their in depth analysis of why Sara Palin and John McCain so decisively lost the 2008 Presidential election. The primary reason, Karl Rove finally announced, was that the Obama-Biden ticket received 3.5 million more votes than the McCain-Palin ticket.

“The second and more damaging reason CRAP found is that Sara Palin’s inability to speak in complete sentences is troubling to all rational voters who aren’t Tea Partiers or evangelical Christians.”

Sara Palin strongly disagreed with both conclusions and offered her own reasons for the McCain-Palin loss:

“We really didn’ lose the ‘lectshun ‘cause … moose pie with dingleberry sauce an’ John McCain, er, an’ weasels were slandered by Obama an’… grizzly bears, who tol’ lies n’ stuff an’, uh, er, heads of commie students and libril meedyaa put airwaves where they should’na be allowed. That’s the real raison we didn’ win, but we didn’ lose, neether…. an’ shoot a soccer mom moose in’a balls.”

John Boehner (correctly pronounced “boner,” not “baynor” – I’m not kidding), Speaker of the House, disagrees that incoherence makes any difference to true Republicans, Tea Partiers, or the evangelical Christians who support them.

“We Republicans in the House and Senate have been acting incoherently for six years and people love us, even the ones in the gerrymandered districts where we pissed on democracy and stole the elections. And after four years of obstructionism, we actually won control of the Senate, too, so you can see that making sense means nothing to the dumbskies and suckers who vote for us against their own good. Palin has a better chance of becoming President now than ever before.”

Of major concern to those tasked with training Sara Palin to speak in complete sentences, regardless of what or how much she may actually be thinking, is that many rational voters recoiled at the thought of Sara Palin becoming President if the aged McCain died in office. One exit poll commenter cogently summarized her concern about Sara Palin this way:

“That poor Palin. If she went to Vegas and played blackjack, she’d have to take off her shoes and grow a penis to get enough digits to count to 21.”

There remains one troubling problem for a Palin candidacy that voters are not likely to forget –  the three very close calls Palin had during the past six years when she was almost killed by a train of thought passing through her brain.

Christianity Is New Law of Texas


In a drastic cost-cutting move, Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton, declared that Texas doesn’t need any law other than what good Christians think. His first act under OCL (Old Christian Law) was to ban gay marriage in Texas after a federal judge … continue...

Kansas Gov. Reinstates Gay-Bashing

Kansas Republican Governor Sam Brownback

Kansas Republican Governor, Sam Brownback, wins the coveted Nedelman Report SHIFFERBRAINS  AWARD  (say “shifferbrains” quickly three times). The governor issued a warning to the LGBT community ( lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgendered) that they … continue...

GOP Creates Massive Straw Shortage

WASHINGTON – (Nedelman Report)  GOP critics of Obamacare vehemently denied that their grasping at straws to explain away the success of the final Obamacare sign-up numbers has created a nationwide straw shortage – 7.1  million sign-ups on the Federal … continue...

Republican Terrible Two’s

flipping the bird

WASHINGTON  (Nedelman Report) -- Eighty house Republicans simultaneously suffered a bout of the “terrible two’s” and requested John Boehner shut down the government instead of having Obamacare implementation proceed as voted upon and approved by … continue...

GOP: We Don’ Need No Stinkin’ New Mexican-American Citizens


WASHINGTON, DC  (Nedelman Report) -- House GOP obstructionists embraced their new slogan of the week, “We Don’ Need No Stinkin’ New Mexican-American Citizens.” House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte, R-Va., rejected President Obama’s Path … continue...

The Stinkin’ GOP Treasure of Sierra Tawdry

BOSTON (Nedelman Report) --Chairman of the Republican National Convention, Reince Priebus, declared that the RNC decided to severely punish NBC News and CNN for daring to make and release movie biographies in 2015 about Hillary Clinton, a potential … continue...

Bachmann Not Running – Collective IQ of Congress Projected to Rise

WASHINGTON (Nedelman Report) Demonstrating her consistent inconsistency, after running TV ads this month for her re-election to Congress in 2014, Tea Party darling, Michele Bachmann, announced that she is not running for re-election. Actuarial social … continue...

Rand Paul Polls Higher Than God with Tea Party Evangelicals

god and adam

Televangelists and evangelical Christian ministers nationwide were stunned with the results of a recent Gallop poll in which Tea Party favorite Rand Paul polled higher than God in likability by 96.7% to 72.4%. This is well within Gallop’s margin of … continue...

Pope: Take This Job and ….

Pope Benedict XVI
Photo: Courtesy

Country & Western singer, Johnny Paycheck, twanged his way into the American workingman’s heart with the lyrics: “Take this job and shove it I ain't workin' here no more” Pope Benedict XVI, a secret country & western music fan,  took … continue...

Republicans: “We Own Your Genitals”

After being rejected decisively and losing the 2012 elections, Republicans completed their soul-searching and issued a terse, one-line comprehensive policy statement: “We still own your genitals.” John Boehner (grammatically pronounced “boner,” … continue...

Republican Introspection and Other Laughs

Preibus - RNC

CHARLOTTE, NC (Nedelman Report)  The Republican National Committee (RNC) is currently gathered in Charlotte to do a poste mortem on the disastrous Republican fall election campaign.  To underscore the seriousness of their desire to see what went so … continue...

Mitch McConnell Made Honorary Galapagos Tortoise

Mitch McConnel denies evolution and that he is evolved from a Galapagos turtle

GALAPAGOS ISLANDS   (The Nedelman Report)  Senate Republican minority leader, Mitch McConnell, has been named an honorary Galapagos tortoise by the president of the World Turtle Society, Sir Ian Cooter.  Sir Ian noted in his announcement: “In word … continue...

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