Sara Palin’s Secret Plan to Run for President

Sara Palin - Photo credit: Reuters

Sara Palin – Photo credit: Reuters

WASHINGTON (The Nedelman Report) It is reported that there is a plan to secretly train Sara Palin to speak in complete sentences in preparation for a 2016 presidential run.

The Center for Republican Apologist Propaganda (CRAP), the fantasy wing of American Crossroads, the Republican Super PAC headed by Karl Rove, has finally completed their in depth analysis of why Sara Palin and John McCain so decisively lost the 2008 Presidential election. The primary reason, Karl Rove finally announced, was that the Obama-Biden ticket received 3.5 million more votes than the McCain-Palin ticket.

“The second and more damaging reason CRAP found is that Sara Palin’s inability to speak in complete sentences is troubling to all rational voters who aren’t Tea Partiers or evangelical Christians.”

Sara Palin strongly disagreed with both conclusions and offered her own reasons for the McCain-Palin loss:

“We really didn’ lose the ‘lectshun ‘cause … moose pie with dingleberry sauce an’ John McCain, er, an’ weasels were slandered by Obama an’… grizzly bears, who tol’ lies n’ stuff an’, uh, er, heads of commie students and libril meedyaa put airwaves where they should’na be allowed. That’s the real raison we didn’ win, but we didn’ lose, neether…. an’ shoot a soccer mom moose in’a balls.”

John Boehner (correctly pronounced “boner,” not “baynor” – I’m not kidding), Speaker of the House, disagrees that incoherence makes any difference to true Republicans, Tea Partiers, or the evangelical Christians who support them.

“We Republicans in the House and Senate have been acting incoherently for six years and people love us, even the ones in the gerrymandered districts where we pissed on democracy and stole the elections. And after four years of obstructionism, we actually won control of the Senate, too, so you can see that making sense means nothing to the dumbskies and suckers who vote for us against their own good. Palin has a better chance of becoming President now than ever before.”

Of major concern to those tasked with training Sara Palin to speak in complete sentences, regardless of what or how much she may actually be thinking, is that many rational voters recoiled at the thought of Sara Palin becoming President if the aged McCain died in office. One exit poll commenter cogently summarized her concern about Sara Palin this way:

“That poor Palin. If she went to Vegas and played blackjack, she’d have to take off her shoes and grow a penis to get enough digits to count to 21.”

There remains one troubling problem for a Palin candidacy that voters are not likely to forget –  the three very close calls Palin had during the past six years when she was almost killed by a train of thought passing through her brain.


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