3,442,567 Reasons Romney Lost the Election

Karl Rove explains why Romney won Ohio

WASHINGTON DC  (The Nedelman Report) The Center for Republican Apologist Propaganda has completed its in depth their analysis of why Mitt Romney so decisively lost the election. It found 3,442,567 reasons, the number of votes President Obama beat Mitt Romney by in the general election. The main spokesperson for CRAP, Charley Kraphammer, issued the following statement:

 “Mitt Romney lost the election because he failed to fool 3,442,567 people into voting for him, his margin of loss across fifty-two states. While Mitt Romney did manage to bamboozle almost 58 million Americans, it must be noted that a great number of them were white evangelical Christians who have been trained to be fooled by televangelists. This now becomes our new political base going forward – old, white evangelical Christians. Latinos, women, Asians, blacks, and gays can blow it out their ass – God-fearing ol’ whitey Christ-loving Republicans don’t want or need their support.”

Mitt Romney, ever combative, took issue with the CRAP analysis and said:

“If it weren’t for Hurricane Sandy, my momentum would have tricked another fourteen million voters into believing I was sincere in wanting to help middle-class America, except, of course, for the forty-seven percent of American parasites who want something for nothing and pay no taxes. You know, every single Democrat and people on Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps, the unemployed, lower ranking soldiers fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and other losers.”

Karl Rove of American Crossroads left a Fox News meeting this morning and reported that the election is not over by a long shot.

“Fox News has agreed to retract their calling Ohio for President Obama and will now give Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, California, and Michigan to Mitt Romney effective this Saturday morning.”

Romney supporters funneled almost one billion dollars into his campaign, mainly through secret donations, in an effort to combat what they perceive as creeping democratic Euro-socialism. Now that Romney has lost, they have banded together with Karl Rove’s American Crossroads campaign money laundering organization to ask the federal government for a refund of their campaign contributions. Karl Rove explained it this way:

“We believe we wasted almost a billion dollars on that doofus, Romney, and now we want to be reimbursed by the government so we can use this money to obstruct and undermine President Obama’s efforts during his next term like we did his last term, assuming Fox News’ conclusion that Romney won the election does not hold.”

After the Romney defeat, Tea party spokesman, Lamar Dimsky, said that the Tea Party will not rest in their efforts to bring Sarah Palin back from obscurity, where the Republican National Committee banished her and former President, George W. Bush, we relegated and told to not talk for the entire campaign. There is reported to be a plan to secretly train Palin to speak in complete sentences in preparation for a 2016 presidential run.

 


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