Amazing Red State Polling Analysis

REd States Polling
Map courtesy of RealClear Politics

WASHINGTON  (The Nedelman Report)  — Karl Rove’s well-known Washington political action committee, American Crossroads (AC), completed an analysis of all of the recent polling data in a joint venture with Truthful Evangelical Americans (TEA), a little known contrarian evangelical Christian splinter group known for their adherence to objective reality.

Although desperately searching for a path for Mitt Romney to win the presidency, AC and TEA failed to provide the guarantee to the bankers and Wall Street fiscal sociopaths who backed Mitt Romney to the hilt, even after President Obama bailed their banks out and saved their fraud-ridden derrieres almost four years ago.

Karl Rove, commenting on the polling study, said,

“Right from the get-go we’ve tried everything but the truth to get Romney’s polling numbers up — but no luck. We knew all his different policy positions looked like a Waldorf salad on speed, but we were stuck with him. So we feel this new polling analysis will provide the American people with a clearer picture of who really represents the new Republican party.”

The conclusions reached in the polling study, although novel, are not surprising based upon a cursory observation of the supporters at Republican rallies.

Polling Analysis Conclusions: Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are doing best in the red states, those with:

1) the lowest educational achievement, 2) highest populations of evangelical Christians, 3) lowest annual per capita income, 4) highest rates of xenophobia,  5) lowest rates of agoraphobia, 6) highest rates of homophobia, 7) lowest educational standards on any scale, 8) highest rates of obesity, 9) lowest literacy rates, 10) lowest per capita economic output, 11) lowest rates of belief in math, science, and evolution, 12) highest rates of sheep and chicken sodomy, 13) highest number of poisonous snakes, and 14) the highest proportion of people able to play the 5-string banjo, in both the general and institutionalized populations.

This in-depth socio-politico analysis speaks volumes about the people supporting the Romney/Ryan ticket – which is about to get severely punched tomorrow. The Nedelman Report predicts an Obama victory in the electoral college by:

Obama 303, Romney 235.

Mitt Romney, in a final ploy for votes from animal lovers, vowed to strap his dog on top of the car, again, for a twelve-hour drive if they did not vote for him.

 


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