Bachmann Not Running – Collective IQ of Congress Projected to Rise

Michele Bachmann listens to the voices in her head

Michele Bachmann listens to her voices

WASHINGTON (Nedelman Report) Demonstrating her consistent inconsistency, after running TV ads this month for her re-election to Congress in 2014, Tea Party darling, Michele Bachmann, announced that she is not running for re-election. Actuarial social scientists at the ultra-right-wing Heritage Foundation ruefully admitted that they calculate the collective IQ of Congress will rise by 3.43 percentage points as a result of Bachman leaving.

Bachmann said this about her about-face decision not to run:

“Even though wimpy Mitt Romney won in my district by 15%, my decision not to run has nothing to do with either my winning by less than 5,000 votes or my ethics violation investigation. Like Sarah Palin, as a private citizen I will continue to make truly bizarre statements whenever I think the country needs my advice or I forget to take my meds.”

Jim DeMint, former South Carolina Senator and president of the Heritage Foundation, said he was sorry to see such a paragon of Tea Party virtue leave Congress.

“Michelle Bachman stands for the highest ideological virtues of the Tea Party and Christian America. Imagine if Congress and the Senate was 100% Tea Party like Michele Bachmann – evangelical Christianity would be compulsory, teaching evolution would be outlawed, and all homosexuals would be put in evangelical Christian “re-education camps” where we would pray and train them to be heterosexual. And if they couldn’t be trained to be straight, we’d stuff their pockets with candy and deport them to Mexico to be used as piñatas. Bachman and the Heritage Foundation stand for what’s best in America.”

Speaker of the House, John Boehner, was ecstatic about Bachman not running for re-election.

“Unfortunately, Michele Bachman is so bizarre that even in her staunchly Republican district the voters have finally decided that she really is too much of a whack-job to be re-elected. With her gone, a normal anti-gay, anti-immigration reform, anti-Obamacare, anti-Obama, anti-women’s rights, anti-tax reform, conspiracy theory Republican candidate who is not certifiably insane will stand a good chance of being elected.”

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