Bachmann Finks Out and Endorses Mitt Romney

NEWPORT BEACH, CA

The Bachmann 1000 mile stare: what is she seeing that we don't?

Fox Propaganda and News reported GOP Rep. Michele Bachmann finked out and endorsed Willard Mitt (Mittens) Romney as the Republican party’s presidential candidate. Major news outlets lauded Fox P&N for reporting the true facts of a story for the first time in three years.

Bachmann dropped out as a GOP presidential candidate after coming in dead last in the Iowa caucuses after voters realized that, mentally, she was playing with at least two extra jokers in her deck.

After dropping out, Bachmann then endorsed the GOP’s “big idea” man, Newt “Moon Base” Gingrich, who quit the race two days ago after running out of ideas, large or small, on how to run an effective campaign.

Rick “Savonarola” Santorum dropped out of the race at Gettysburg, PA, prior to Newt Gingrich quitting the race “somewhere or other,” as Fox P&N reported. Major news outlets immediately praised Fox P&N for acknowledging they had “absolutely no idea” when, where, how, or why Gingrich quit the race.

Romney: "Let them eat cake!""

House Speaker John Boehner (really pronounced “bone-er,” not “bay-nor”) endorsed Willard Romney after Santorum’s exit, and profusely apologized to Tea Party freshman congressmen, saying,

“I swear I’ll make it up to you all you guys who are fighting for the Stars and Bars. There’s a piece of legislation that could really help the economy and the country coming up for a vote. Like always, I’ll support you Tea Party guys in blocking it. We don’t want to do anything that might help Obama and Democrats in the fall elections.”

Michelle Bachmann previously had said of Romney on Dec. 27, before the Iowa caucuses,

“It’s not going to happen with Mitt Romney. He put that [ObamaCare] system into effect in Massachusetts.”

Bachmann admitted that at least three of the voices in her head told her it was time to be the party healer, prompting her to issue the following conciliatory statement:

“Hey, you big Tea Party lugs, I’m sorry the party’s over for a truly right-wing conservative, Tea Party, doctrinaire, goose-stepping, obstructionist, evangelical, theocrat candidate you’d support to trash the First Amendment. Sieg Heil! You’ll have to settle for “ObamaCare” Romney, even if he does wear special Mormon underwear and opens Swiss bank accounts to dodge taxes. Let’s all pull together… but for God’s sake,  not down on Mitt’s special underwear!”


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