NEWPORT BEACH, California (The Nedelman Report) — Many wealthy Republican residents of Newport Beach are in a quandary about what to do after California announced this morning that it was seceding from the United States of America effective at midnight, November 5th.
Regardless of who wins the presidency, California will not be in the Union, having opted to form its own country, to be named “The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).”
California has decided to allow all of the “blue states,” those with Democratic Party majorities, to join the new country as equal partners. The E.S.A issued this letter explaining their reasons for seceding from the United States.
Dear Red States:
We’re ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics, and we decided we’re leaving.
We in California intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren’t aware that includes New York, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland.
We get James Taylor. You get Ted Nugent.
We get Disneyland. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama……. sorry.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. Oh, and we’ll throw in Ann Coulter as a bonus!
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Although we liberals don’t believe evangelical Christian teachings and ultra-right wing stupidity is catching, it is increasingly painful to witness on a daily basis:
- 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale,
- 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws,
- 44% say that evolution is only a theory,
- 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11,
- and 61% of you crazy bastards – including all you Catholic priests who’ve been screwing our children like the Energizer Bunny behind our backs for the last 1800 years – you are welcome to continue to believe, contrary to all evidence, that you are people with higher morals then we lefties. But please, for once, be quiet about it.
And finally, we’re taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Citizens of the Enlightened States of America
(Formerly the Blue States)
Nedelman Report Note: We received this letter from the E.S.A via an email and can only surmise by its irrefutable logic that it is genuine. Obviously, for the reasons stated in the letter, those states fortunate enough to have a majority of citizens who are rational would find that seceding from the United States and joining a federation of like-mind states to be their advantage and to their citizens’ welfare, especially their children’s secular education.
If you would like to join us in a country without bible-thumping evangelical Christians and ultra-right wing whackos and racist Tea Partiers demanding an intolerant approach to politics and an inferior, faith-based education for our children, then you are welcome to come with us.
Thanks to all you rational, intelligent people out there who haven’t been conned by the two sociopaths, Mitt Romney and Karl Rove, or their like-minded, poofy-haired televangelist henchmen.