In a drastic cost-cutting move, Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton, declared that Texas doesn’t need any law other than what good Christians think. His first act under OCL (Old Christian Law) was to ban gay marriage in Texas after a federal judge struck down a Texas gay marriage ban in February of 2014, subject to appeal, which was not granted.
Attorney General Paxton said the Texas Supreme Court granted his request to stay two federal court rulings which found the Texas ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional.
“Adopting Christian law right outa’ the Bible will save the state millions of dollars in legal fees if we don’t have to follow and adjudicate all those pesky laws that northern liberals, like the Founding Fathers, enacted in the Bill of Rights. Old Christian Law takes care of that with one law for all – whatever scripture says, goes. And that means gays can take a hike to another state… or we’ll stone ’em.”
When a reporter from the Nedelman Report pointed out to AG Paxton that the Old and New Testaments upheld the treatment of women as second class citizens with less rights than men, and slavery, too, with no rights at all for slaves, Paxton replied,
“We’re lookin’ into that, too. In fact, ex-governor Rick Perry is holding a special meeting at his huntin’ camp, Niggerhead*, just to discuss these issues. Us Texas Southern Baptists is getting awfully tired of some people around here getting too uppity and makin’ demands they shouldn’t be makin’. That’s why Old Christian Law based on scripture is the new law of Texas. And that means we don’t have to follow the United States Constitution any more. Praise Jesus.”
President Obama quickly involved himself in the unlawful act of a Texas state court overturning a federal court’s decision. Obama clarified his intent to act swiftly with the following statement:
“I will act as decisively on this issue as I have with Syria, Libya, the Muslim Brotherhood, Islamist terrorism, Guantanamo, Russian aggression in the Ukraine, and the Islamic State genocidal maniacs. Forget Jesus, praise no one but me, because I am your exceptionally thoughtful leader.”
*Nedelman Report note: In case anyone forgot, Rick Perry did, indeed, own a hunting camp named Niggerhead. Perry only found something wrong with the name and changed it after this juicy, inflammatory morsel of racism, Texas style, came out during the hopelessly outclassed candidate’s run for the presidency. It was painful to watch Perry during the Republican debates, especially when his face lit up with a childlike glee whenever the incorrigible, West Texas peckerwood understood something for the first time other candidates were talking about. Even a worse statement for Perry’s abilities, the Republican primary debates were very much like watching ten clowns pop out of a 1966 Volkswagen, with Perry getting the most laughs.