WASHINGTON, DC (The Nedelman Report)
In a show of solidarity, drug cartels have joined congressional Republicans and Mitt Romney in fighting President Obama’s signature piece of legislation, the Affordable Care Act, derisively nicknamed Obamacare by congressional Republicans.
Buckwheat Rodriguez, South Carolina-born leader of the dreaded Mexican Buckwheat drug cartel, called for unity with congressional Republicans and issued the following statement:
“The drug cartels back Congressional Republicans in fighting Obamacare. Being in the top 1% of income earners on either side of the border, leaders of the drug cartels and conservative Republicans must stick together to protect our incomes from unreasonable taxes, say anything above 3%. The cartels have put the word out on the street that people who sign up for Obamacare will no longer receive store discounts while shopping in Tijuana or on street drugs we smuggle into the United States.”
Emilio Gonzalez Silverstein, III, financial wizard and consultant to the drug cartel industry, noted a long history of mutual and overlapping interests between conservative Republicans and the drug cartels.
“Like Mitt Romney and many wealthy conservative Republicans, the leaders of the drug cartels recognize they have a common interest in protecting egregious profits earned off the poor and middle class. Additionally, we both seek safe harbor for our profits by diverting cash and securities into offshore accounts and trusts in in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda, and Lichtenstein. Mr. Romney is an amazing money manager, even in his blind trust, which miraculously he made see again. Maybe it is the special Mormon underwear he wears that makes him so formidable in skirting U.S. tax laws.”
Asked to elaborate on Romney’s investment techniques, he continued:
“Watching Romney we have learned many good financial and accounting tricks to hide our incomes and avoid taxes. The American people should be grateful and proud to vote for such a smart man, even if he has developed a rare selective Alzheimer’s-type memory loss about his time at Bain Capital. But the drug cartels and Mr. Romney are one in our thinking: who really cares about middle class workers, anyway, other than to figure out how to make a buck off them.”
Upon hearing of the drug cartels’ support in defeating Obamacare, Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell, supported any help in denying a second term to President Obama:
“Our good and pure Christian Republican hatred for Obama is so intense and overwhelming that we will welcome any support from any quarter in defeating him. Thank God for the Supreme Court Citizens United decision allowing unlimited corporate and PAC campaign contributions without meaningful disclosure. This will come in very handy funneling support from our good neighbors south of the border and especially from our Republican dominated financial and banking sector, the companies and people who tanked the economy in the first place.”
John Boehner (really pronounced “boner”) also welcomes any support which will help in the fight against Obama.
“Our primary focus is defeating President Obama, so we are not doing anything which will in any way increase employment or benefit the middle class, particularly in this election year. Republicans have a long history of using undisclosed money in our campaigns, so we have no problem using drug money, too, if it’s for a good cause. If you care to remember, the Iran-Contra affair involving drugs and guns to finance Central American right-wing death squads which killed thousands of innocent villagers during the Reagan Presidency was one of our finer illegal efforts before wimpy, unpatriotic Democrats spilled the beans and closed us down.”