PYONGYANG, North Korea
The new North Korean Leader, Kim Jong Un, issued a statement in support for North Carolina’s recently passed gay marriage ban.
“It is good that two sexually repressed peoples living in countries whose names both start with “North” stand together against enlightened running dog capitalist social thinking. For the first time I agree with anti-democratic Christian religious leaders. Hate-mongering is good for control of ignorant people.”
Asked to explain his reasons for support of North Carolina anti-gay measure, Kim responded,
“For never-changing social repression and stability to work, it is important to do everything possible to make people’s minds closed and keep everything exactly the same for eternity. What worked in the stone age for North Korea and North Carolina works for the Two Norths, now.”
The evangelical Christian sponsors of the anti-gay marriage measure, Theological Knuckle-Draggers for American Family Values (TKDAFV), applauded North Korea for their support and announced a high-level meeting between the North Korean leader and televangelist leaders to discuss their mutual interests in methods of social, sexual, political, and miscellaneous assorted repressions. Although an important topic to both parties, All-Purpose Hate-Mongering will be scheduled for a following meeting.
TKDAFV’s spokesman, Lemarr Goodbody, said
“Today North Carolina proved to America and the world that a majority of its voting population is god-fearing and sexually repressed, as God clearly intended us to be. If you have a “thingy,” you shouldn’t be playing around or marrying someone else with a “thingy.” God’ll throw a hurt into your sorry ass if you do.”
In an effort to get ahead of the gay marriage issue and President Obama’s support of gay marriage, Mitt (Mittens) Romney, said,
“Although my Mormon faith is quite clear in the belief that American Indians are descended from one of the Lost Tribes of Israel, it is opaque on the issue of a Republican decisively endorsing gay marriage before the Republican National Convention in an election year. Especially when the party is controlled by extreme social conservatives, theological knuckle-draggers, and right-wing whack-jobs. But I am quite clear about me being the one who deserves the credit for saving the “American auto industry.”
John Boehner (pronounced Bay-nor), in an effort to sway gay voters to the Republican cause this fall, finally admitted that his name has always really been pronounced “Boner,” his high-school nick-name and condition. At Boehner’s mention of his name, “Boner,” on the floor of the House of Representatives, three Tea Party Republican congressmen hyperventilated and passed out.