GALAPAGOS ISLANDS (The Nedelman Report) Senate Republican minority leader, Mitch McConnell, has been named an honorary Galapagos tortoise by the president of the World Turtle Society, Sir Ian Cooter. Sir Ian noted in his announcement:
“In word and deed Mitch McConnell has earned our admiration and this award for his steadfast turtle qualities: he’s like an enraged snapping turtle with Democrats, always at loggerheads with pro-lifers, and is even slower than a tortoise to understand how badly his party lost the recent elections. He’s even called “turtle-necker,” by another name, by many members of both parties in Congress. As a special honor, we’re making Mitch McConnell our poster child for the Galapagos tortoise.”
The political and religious implications of the Galapagos Tortoise award is not lost on ultra-right wing conservatives and evangelical Christians who view this award as an affront to their core beliefs – that the world is only 6,000 years old and that evolution is a sham and a farce. Senator McConnell, eager to placate religious conservatives, made the following statement:
“Contrary to appearances and this award, I can assure you that I am not genetically related in any way to a Galapagos tortoise and I am not evolved from one, either. Tortoises have tortoise genes and I have human genes, even though both of us share some genes regulating brain cell count in our frontal lobes. But I do accept the award in the spirit it was given, whatever that was. Do I have to be a turtle-necker to accept the award?”
Tea Party spokesman, Lamar Dimwitty, said that the award and Senator McConnell’s statement demonstrated and reaffirmed the soundness of Republican economic theory and fiscal cliff proposals.
“Y’all probably noticed how Mitch McConnell can pull his head in like the best Republican turtles when it comes to dealing with a fiscal crisis. Tortoises are slow and we Republicans like to think slow, too. Hell, Mitch and Charles Krauthammer even thought Romney was going to win by a landslide right up to the last minute. How’s that for thinking slow like a tortoise?”
Senator McConnell, who relishes being referred to as Darth Vader by fellow Republicans, is exceptionally proud of being named an honorary Galapagos tortoise and has asked Tea Party Republicans to call him “Darth Turtle.”