LOS ANGELES (The Nedelman Report)
The Latino vote poll numbers are not in yet for “Pancho” Romney, but they have been running roughly two to one against Mitt Romney. “Mitt Romney” was his previous name before legally changing it to “Pancho Romney” this morning.
Pancho Romney dismissed accusations that he changed his name from Mitt to Pancho in an effort to lure Hispanic voters away from President Obama. Romney held a press conference this morning standing by the border fence between Mexico and the United States and offered this explanation:
“I was born in Mexico of full-blooded American stock, so I am entitled to give myself a Mexican name. I renamed myself Pancho, after Pancho Villa, because while running Bain Capital and exporting jobs, I freed lots of workers, too, from the tyranny of having to go to a job everyday in the United States. I got a green card and picked thousands of pounds of tomatoes with my Hispanic friends before I ever became a U.S. citizen. I’d show you my birth certificate, but I’m white, so you should just take my word for it.”
When he was Mitt Romney, Pancho called for draconian measures to make life so miserable for Hispanic illegal immigrants that they would “self-deport” and voluntarily leave the country. After checking into the legalities and possible penalties, the old Mitt Romney decided not to pursue advocating that illegal Mexicans self-destruct, like the secret mission tapes on Mission Impossible.
Pancho Romney has managed to coax his anti-Hispanic “Mitt personality” into remission and now speaks kindly about Latinos. At the recent U.S. Hispanic Chamber of Commerce conference in Los Angeles, Pancho visibly darkened his skin with make-up (I’m not fooling) and offered his thoughts about his remarkable change of attitude regarding illegal Latino immigrants.
“Aye, carrumba! That chitty, ol’ Mitt Romney don’ live in me no more, Homey. Pancho is your main man, now, an’ Pancho love you like he love free jollies [frijoles] and tort-tillas [tortillas]. Does tort-tillas rhyme with gorillas? Anyway, no matter. I wan’ all you 47 percenters to feel safe, now, so I am withdrawing my request to electrify the border fence with 10,000 volts. 8,500 volts should be enough to do the trick. Energy conservation is an important part of my overall plan for Hispanics.”
Pancho Romney then finished his speech by reminding the Latino audience how many thousands of Hispanics the old Mitt put to work when, as head of Bain Capital, he arranged financing for the hugely successful Mexican telephone conglomerate, Taco Bell.