OSLO, NORWAY (The Nedelman Report)
Mitt Romney, with absolutely no scientific credentials, has shocked astrophysicists and the scientific community by adding one more proof that Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity is true.
Romney’s incredible scientific feat has so impressed the Nobel prize committee that he is now under consideration for the Nobel Prize in Physics.
Briefly, Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity demonstrates that space and time (space-time) are conjoined and elastic, dilating, expanding, and contracting, thereby making it possible for two different events, occurring at the same time for one observer, to actually occur at different times for another observer who is in relative motion to the first observer.
The basis for the Romney proof of Einstein’s theory that is wowing the scientific community is his “time/no-time” he spent as head of Bain Capital. It’s much like, now you see him, now you don’t, simultaneously winking in and out of existence at Bain between 1999 and 2002. Romney clearly states that his Bain Capital time completely stopped in 1999 when his Bain “no-time” started as he left to head the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City.
Numerous independent observers, though, including a well-known government agency, the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), firmly attest to Romney managing and spending time at Bain Capital after 1999 and through 2002, supporting their position with documents Romney, himself, signed, confirming his work occurring at Bain Capital during this time.
As one or more of Romney’s six Mormon grandmothers used to say, “What’s a mother to do? That boy’s so crooked he’s gotta’ screw his socks on in the morning.”
The Republican National Committee, well known for its support of any scientific or economic theory that confuses voters in an election year, flatly states that not only is Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity false and proves nothing, but also that is it scientifically impossible for any man, including Mitt Romney, to manage two companies or do two separate things, multi-task, like walk and chew gum at the same time. Karl Rove, speaking off the cuff, clarified further, stating:
“The one known and allowable exception to this irrefutable law of Republican physics which makes it impossible to do two things at one time is Mitt Romney talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, which doesn’t violate anyRNC ethics by-laws, either.”
Mitt Romney, upon receiving notice of his Bain Capital proof of Einstein’s elastic space-time, issued the following denial:
“I am withdrawing my name for consideration for the Nobel Prize in physics for demonstrating a proof of Einstein’s theory. As an “independent observer” from 1999 through 2002, I swear I did not see me simultaneously spending any time managing Bain Capital in Massachusetts and managing the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City.
Even though I personally signed legal documents submitted to the SEC and the State of California attesting to and affirming that I held positions at Bain Capital through 2002 as President, Chairman of the Board, Chief Financial Officer, 100% sole stock owner of the company, and mail-room clerk, the SEC is entirely wrong in deducing that I exerted even an eenzy-beanzy bit of management control at Bain Capital through 2002. You can take my word that I just walked away from a multi-million dollar company in 1999 that I owned 100% off, figuring all will somehow turn out OK.”
Romney’s denial of managing two entities at the same time, Bain Capital and the Olympics, have physicists rushing to do more research and ask penetrating questions like the following:
- Is it possible Romney was in telephone communication with his Bain Capital employees during the three years Romney shuttled back and forth between Massachusetts and in Salt Lake City?
- Is it possible Romney actually sent or received faxes or emails from Bain Capital employees between 1999 through 2002?
- Is it possible that Romney went to Bain Capital headquarters while in Massachusetts between 1999 and 2002?
A rational Romney campaign spokesperson, refusing to be named because she says he is sensitive about being laughed at, issued the following prepared Romney campaign statement while wearing a black bag over her head to hide her identity:
“Although through 2002 Mitt Romney was the sole owner and held all of the senior financial positions of his company, Bain Capital, he was in no way responsible for the financial carnage to companies Bain restructured and managed, or for the thousands of jobs lost by American workers, even if Romney set up the deals prior to 1999.
That would be exactly like holding a terrorist responsible for setting a time-bomb that goes off after he leaves the area. It is not fair to hold Mitt Romney responsible for the economic and financial hardship time-bombs he built and put in place in American companies while managing Bain Capital prior to 1999, because they went off after he left.”