Shifferbrains “Pill of Truth” Interview with Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney Named a "Tool" by Autoworkers

Shifferbrains “Pill of Truth” Interview Guidelines:

Before an interview is conducted the candidate must agree to take the “Shifferbrains Pill of Truth” at least one hour before being interviewed. The “Shifferbrains  Pill of Truth” is a potent drug that causes one to involuntarily tell the truth, which can be pretty scary for everyone involved. Shifferbrains salutes these intrepid explorers with the dash and daring to expand their horizons.

The “Pill of Truth” Interview with Mitt Romney

I interviewed Mitt Romney on the campaign trail in Detroit, Michigan, one day before the primary and found him to be in an upbeat mood… that is in no way related to swallowing a Shifferbrain Pill of Truth we provided him.

[Bart] Mitt, thank you for taking the time to take and do a Shifferbrains “Pill of Truth” interview this close to tomorrow’s primary. Can you confirm that you have taken the “pill of truth?”

[Mitt] Yes, Bart, I took the pill of truth an hour ago and feel fine. Actually, I’m rather excited about telling the truth.

[Bart] Mitt, you have not answered even one question from a reporter in almost three weeks.  May I ask you why that is?

Romney "Free Duck L'Orange Box Lunch" Rally

[Mitt] Of course, Bart. I calculated that no matter how I’ve tried to position myself or what I say, my poll numbers continue to be a liability on my political balance sheet. Why even bother trying to answer reporters questions that are going to make me look bad? So, I decided to try something new and give you and Shifferbrains a shot. I want to see if I can change the accounting methods, so to speak, like I do with companies I package for investors before they’re eventually destroyed through the positive “destructive capitalism” of over-leveraging them with too much debt.

[Bart] Thank you for that, Mitt. “Destructive Capitalism” is a word you use to explain and justify takeovers and allowing companies to go out of business, say like GM and Chrysler, which could be saved or turned around, as Obama and his team did. Advocating letting these companies fail has caused you great difficulty with many voters in Michigan.

I’ve tried hoodwinking them….

[Mitt] Yes, it has, even though I’ve tried hoodwinking them into thinking my plan for allowing GM and Chrysler to fail was better than Obama’s plan that actually saved their sorry middle-class asses.

[Bart] For some reason, Mitt, they take the view that you don’t really care about the employees of these companies. Is “destructive capitalism” a real term or something you came up with to make it sound like a proven economic theory? For example, as a way to say that says it’s OK to buy and break up companies to make a good return on investment for you and Bain Capital investors without regard for current management or employees?

[Mitt] How’d you pick up on that so quickly, Bart? Even the financial reporters and Newt Gingrich haven’t figured out yet that “destructive capitalism” is a bogus term to make what I do sound good for the country.

[Bart] Why don’t do tell our readers more about “destructive capitalism.”

[Mitt] Ok, Bart. After raping so many companies and their employees, I had to make up something, like “destructive capitalism,’ that sounds like an advanced economic theory, like evolution, you know, some animals live and some die. And I want voters to believe that it’s the same with companies.

[Bart] There’s some truth to what you say, Mitt, but there is a difference between not surviving tough, legitimate competition and being eaten by a financial T-Rex like Bain Capital.

Romney’s “Constructive” Destructive Capitalism – a Kafka-esque Economic concept:

[Mitt] Bart, I’m running for President, so I don’t want people to think I was destroying companies and lives and jobs, even if I was, just to make big buck for me and Bain’s investors. Doesn’t being a (Mitt smiles and uses quote-fingers here) “constructive” destructive capitalist and doing everyone a good service, maybe even a favor, sound a lot better? Very Kafka-esque, wouldn’t you agree? You see, when I take advantage of a troubled company, even a company that’s not in trouble, and load them up on debt and make it almost impossible for them to survive long-term, I have to come up with something that sounds reasonable, even good, to primary voters, and that’s why I made up term “destructive capitalism.”

[Bart] It did work with reporters and pundits, and especially with the other candidates. Even Gingrich and Santorum are afraid to touch that line for fear of sounding socialistic to the ultra right-wing Republican base whose doing the voting in the primaries.

[Mitt] Yes, that’s the best part; “destructive capitalism” neutralized their attacks on me about being ruthless and greedy. I call it good capitalism, so if people lost their jobs, I want them to think that I was really doing them a favor. Santorum really hasn’t a clue; he’s just out to scare the evangelicals by talking a  lot about Satan and crap they buy into.

[Bart] Take a look at the picture of your Ford Stadium turnout, Mitt. Do you think your “I’m really a friend of the common working man” approach is working, especially  after your low turn-out in Ford Stadium last week?

[Mitt] This picture doesn’t tell the whole story, Bart, not by a long shot. First off, we gave away 65,000 tickets to the stadium with paid parking and promised everyone who came a generous box lunch of duck l’orange, accompanied with a fresh, spring arugula and spiced pear salad, and an Austrian chocolate torte for desert. Oh, and we sprung for a highly-rated light Pouilly-Fuisse’ wine, too, especially chosen to compliment the lunch. People think I’m so wealthy that I’m out of touch with the common man, but seriously now, only a epicurean troglodyte wouldn’t have shown up for the meal we provided free for attending my rally. These people in Michigan are simply not the same people I grew up with when I lived in Michigan with my father, the governor.

[Bart] I can sense your disenchantment with politicking and why you avoided Michigan most of your adult life. Regardless of your past conduct and current mindset about not supporting the auto makers and workers, campaigning must seem daunting to you at times, Mitt, particularly with the odious requirement of depending on the common people to support you.

How to get $50,000,000  – $100,000,000 into your IRA retirement account, tax-deferred:

[Mitt] Yes, sucking up to blue collar workers is the absolute pits, Bart. After all, what could we possibly have in common? Running for President, though, is the only thing that can really get me excited, now. At one time I thought the absolute best was funding my IRA’s and 401K’s by understating the value of stocks I put into my IRA’s  from companies we leveraged at Bain Capital, and then running my pension account up to fifty or a hundred million dollars and not paying taxes. Swiss bank accounts are a kick, too, as are untouchable accounts in the Cayman Islands. But running for President is really the ultimate ego trip for someone like me. Once I’m President, I won’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to.  And press conferences? Forget it – just too much stuff I’d have to try to explain away.

[Bart] Well, thank you so much for taking the Shifferbrains Pill of Truth and speaking with us, Mitt. I hope you enjoyed the experience.

[Mitt] Oh, I did. It was much better than my rally at Ford Stadium.

 


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