The Infectious Disease Department (IDD) of the National Political Health Service has confirmed that in the last 24 hours Mitt Romney has mutated, yet again, but concedes that a cure is still out of reach.
The IDD disclosed that at least one strain of ultra-fast mutating Mitt Romney virus, out of eighty-two confirmed mutated strains in all, have continuously infected America’s body politic for the past twenty years.
Dr. Foolmi Wonce of the IDD likens the Romney virus to a pandemic:
“The Mitt Romney virus is very tricky. It has the ability to mimic its hosts with uncanny precision and thus fools it into believing that Mitt Romney not only cares for and likes them, but also that he even thinks like them. The Romney virus is primarily spread by 30 and 60-second commercials of Mitt Romney speaking, but is most effectively transmitted by infected people hosting $50,000 a plate private fundraisers.”
Citing an example of how effective Romney mutations are, last May at a fundraiser in Florida, Mitt Romney revealed his belief that 47 percent of Americans are worthless, socialist parasites and losers. The Romney virus was exceptionally effective at mirroring the beliefs of the host and guests at this fundraiser, however cynical and nonsensical.
This virulent strain of the Romney virus, called the PARASITE-47, then spread rapidly among Tea Partiers, ultra-conservatives, and member of evangelical Christian faith-based political action committees until this week, when the presence of the Parasite-47 virus was disclosed. With preternatural speed, it took only three days, until yesterday, for the Romney PARASITE-47 virus to mutate to an entirely new and benign form, called the “I Love 100% of Americans,” after Romney quixotically admitted that now he really believes that 100% of Americans are OK, after all,
The Nedelman Report asked IDD researchers if this 83rd Romney mutation will be named the “LOVE-100%” strain. Dr. Foolmi Wonce replied:
“After careful consideration we all agreed that this new Romney mutation is more aptly named the “100%-FULLACRAP” strain. An interesting side effect of this new strain causes Mitt Romney to smile a great deal, speak softly, and coo loving, sweet nothings into the ears of the very same people he referred to a short time ago as worthless, socialist parasites lacking in self-respect.
Never in the study of infectious political diseases have researchers seen a virus able change its core-belief genome so often or so easily as the Romney virus. There is new clinical proof that the Romney virus works by disabling those genes associated with common sense and the integration of reality into its host’s world view.