PYONGYANG, North Korea
In a response to letters recently sent to voters by Rick Santorum, stating, “It truly frightens me to think what’ll happen if Romney is the nominee,” the new North Korean Leader, Kim Jong Un, responded in a fit of deja vu with, “It truly frightens me to think what’ll happen if Romney is the nominee.”
The new, untested North Korean leader explained further, “Let me tell you in bullet points – I like bullets – why you should nominate Rick Santorum as the Republican candidate for President of the Great Satan, United States, instead of the running dog capitalist, Romney:”
“We believe a strong military solves most problems; Mr. Ricky believes a strong military solves most problems.
We believe the Supreme Leader – that’s me – has the right to force everyone how to live their life; Mr. Ricky believes he has the right to force everyone how to live their life.
We believe the Great Satan, the United States, wants to destroy us; Mr. Ricky believes the great Satan, the real one, want’s to destroy America… how weird is that?”
After much thought, I have decided there is room in this world for two megalomaniac leaders if they think identically alike, like Mr. Ricky and me, so I now support him as the president candidate for the Republican party. And if Republicans and the Tea Party win, the U.S. army will need much help learning to goose-step.”
Although Santorum quit the race for the nomination about a week ago, he couldn’t resist giving Romney a farewell “up yours” and asked for support as a write-in candidate.
After being informed of Santorum’s treachery, Mitt Romney woodenly said, “As you know, in the Mormon religion for many years now we have been baptizing long-dead Jews and making them Christians, whether they ever wanted to be Christian or not. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke, right? And we routinely marry dead people we think would like to be married, too … BUT WE DON’T MARRY OR BAPTIZE NO DEAD GAY PEOPLE! As a deacon of the Mormon Church wearing my special Mormon underwear, I now declare I am able to perform an abortion on both Rick Santorum and Kim Jong Un while they are alive, making them as if they’d never been born. Hey, when you can turn dead Jews into Christians, anything’s possible, right?”
In garish testimony to Santorum’s campaign organizational skills and his hallmark way of instilling fear of Satan in his followers, the letter Santorum sent to voters a week after he quit and it was already too late, warned,
“If you do nothing – or if you put off answering my letter by even a few days — it’ll be too late.”
In a final gesture to mending fences and playing to his fellow narcissist’s ego, Mitt Romney, in his trademark monochromatic delivery, acknowledged that Santorum has the gift of prophecy, even though it took him much longer than most prophets to realize that rational voters think he’s one scarey piece of work.
Story reported on First Read at MSNBC.com