Country & Western singer, Johnny Paycheck, twanged his way into the American workingman’s heart with the lyrics:
“Take this job and shove it
I ain’t workin’ here no more”
Pope Benedict XVI, a secret country & western music fan, took Johnny Paycheck’s advice to heart and resigned today, effective February 28. Very few, even among the Vatican elite, know that the Pope wears cowboy boots in private or with long vestments.
The question rocketing around the Vatican today is, how does one actually tell God to take his job and shove it without poking a huge hole in one’s “golden parachute.” The last pope to resign was Gregory XII in 1415, who blinked and made his exit in order to end the Great Western Schism when two popes – count ‘em – two! – one in France and one somewhere else, vied for supremacy of the Church.
Catholics worldwide are asking, would God have given Cardinal Ratzinger the job in the first place if God knew he was going to quit on Him? Of course, this also calls into the question God’s omniscience, as well – just how much did God really know about the Pope’s planning for early retirement? The theological import of these questions is not to be understated as the core concept of an omniscient know-all god is now clearly in jeopardy. House Republicans blame Democrats for a coverup of the facts and have formed a congressional commission to look into Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation.
The Vatican must hold a conclave to elect a new pope by mid-March. Conservative Republican Mitch McConnell, upon hearing of the Pope resignation and upcoming conclave, said:
The Republican party’s primary objective over the next 100 years is to deny Pope Benedict XVI a second term.
Republican House Speaker, John Boehner (really pronounced “boner,” not “bay-nor”), a practicing Catholic, also commented,
“As you all know, we Republicans are not deep-thinkers. Our policy the past four years has been simple – to filibuster and block any new executive appointments, and anything else that smells “lefty.” So it’s only natural that we vote to block the Vatican College of Cardinals’ appointment of a new pope, too. We Republicans just want to block and obstruct any new stuff – we really don’t care what. It’s just a Catholic and evangelical Christian thing, like blocking birth control, women’s rights, gay marriage and gay anything, and stem cell research.”
Disgraced American Cardinal Mahony threw his cardinal’s hat into the pope ring and announced the formation of his new political action committee, CCPP, an acronym for Cardinals Covering for Pedophile Priests. Hundreds of the pedophile priests Mahony shielded from the police and lynch mobs over the last forty years have donated $2 million in return for a continued silence and cover-up should Mahony be elected pope.