Republican Introspection and Other Laughs

Preibus - RNC

Reince Preibus
Photo credit: John W. Adkisson / The New York Times via Redux Pictures, cropped

CHARLOTTE, NC (Nedelman Report)  The Republican National Committee (RNC) is currently gathered in Charlotte to do a poste mortem on the disastrous Republican fall election campaign.  To underscore the seriousness of their desire to see what went so wrong, all RNC attendees are required to wear thick-lensed Groucho Marx glasses with attached rubber nose.

RNC Chairman, Reince Preibus, stated that xenophobia will remain a primary plank of the Republican party and announced, accordingly, that he has refused Toyota, maker of the Prius, the use of either of his names for their new hybrid car. Speaking to the RNC faithful, Preibus said,

“We are here to discuss our fall election losses by the 53% of American traitors who voted for Obama. All elements of the Republican party are represented here, even the two remaining centrists subscribing to objective reality. So far, no one is confessing to having helped the clearly pathological Mitt Romney be our issue-squishy presidential nominee, but vee haff ways to make them talk! I promise we will find those responsible for nominating Romney and punish them severely. Seig Heil! Seig Limbaugh! Seig Krauthammer”

At his keynote dinner address last night, Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal upbraided Republican candidates and commentators for saying what they really think and believe:

“We must stop being the stupid party. It’s time for a new Republican party that talks like adults. … We had a number of Republicans damage the brand this year with offensive and bizarre comments (I’m not kidding, he said this). Now, I’m not asking you to stop thinking crazy shit, that’s OK, it’s who we are. But we just gotta’ stop saying what we really think out loud. That really scares people.”

The RNC had a spirited and emotionally charged debate about how to attract voters with cognitively dissonant Republican positions, like those of:

Seniors: Cutting Social Security and Medicare benefits to cover lower tax rates for corporations and people making more than $1 million, per year.

Women: Appealing to women voters by advocating the repeal of Roe V Wade (right to an abortion) and legislating required vaginal probes before making reproductive choices.

Hispanics & Immigration: The humane appeal to Hispanic voters by promoting the idea of making the lives of illegal immigrants so miserable that they will self-deport.

In a thinly disguised appeal to women voters it was agreed upon that the crime of rape should be lowered from a felony to a misdemeanor, “Assault with a Friendly Weapon.”

Newt Gingrich, appealing, he thought, to the more simple-minded ultra-right wing Republicans in attendance, was surprised to receive a standing ovation when he said that the party should work to be seen as a “happy” one (I’m not kidding, this really happened).

“We need to find a thousand ways to be happy.” In a later interview Gingrich double-downed and reiterated, “The future is bright if the party accepts a more “cheerful” attitude that makes voters more attuned to the opportunities presented by a Republican economic agenda.” (Not joking, he really said this, too) “When you feel depressed and angry, “cheer up” by thinking of all the of the ways the Republican economic agenda sticks it to the middle class and poor.”

The RNC responded by cheerfully reaffirming the “Robbin Hoodwink” economic plank, promoting the taking of economic benefits and disproportionate share of GDP from the middle class and poor to give to the top 1% of income earners.

 


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