Republicans: “We Own Your Genitals”

Boehner tearfully admits his name is pronounced "Boner"

John Boehner tearfully admits to Congress his name is really pronounced “boner”

After being rejected decisively and losing the 2012 elections, Republicans completed their soul-searching and issued a terse, one-line comprehensive policy statement: “We still own your genitals.”

John Boehner (grammatically pronounced “boner,” not “bay-nor”) has declared that Republicans will no longer openly talk about the sexual and gender issues, gay rights and marriage, and women’s right to an abortion.

“We are not changing our Republican principles on these sexual and women’s issues. Make no mistake, we still claim we own your genitals. Your sexual preferences and decisions about when to give birth must conform to Republican principles if this country is ever to have a new rebirth  of freedom and be blessed by God… our Christian God, that is, not your fakerooni one. And like so many of our devout evangelical Christian ministers and brethren who frequent prostitutes, both male and female, we may rent genitals, too, and pay the going rate… when not paid for by lobbyists.”

Republicans have abandoned their “immigration principles” to curry favor with Hispanic voters and now ecstatically embrace President Obama’s Dream Act as a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. Eric Cantor echoed the new Republican position:

“No matter how hard we Republicans prayed, we finally realized that illegal Mexicans were not just going to go away. On principle it’s very hard for us God-fearing Republicans to accept people who come here illegally solely for the opportunity to work and build a better life for themselves and their families. To get their votes, we will shed our principles like taking off a cheap suit and accept President Obama’s Dream Act, after we make them Mexicans jump through a bunch of hoops. But before becoming naturalized citizens, these new 47-percenters must acknowledge that Republicans get to tell them what they’re allowed to do with their genitals. That’s the freedom-loving American way.”

On all other issues, abortion rights, gay rights and marriage, raising taxes to generate revenue, reasonable gun control measures, and abolishing the new Consumer Protection Agency, Republicans have restated that their previous positions are fundamentally correct. John Boehner said that restating unpopular Republican positions to make them look different may work in the short term.

“OK, we know putting lipstick on a pig is not going to work long term, but hey, when you consider that a verifiable study found that the collective communication skills of the House of Representative dropped from the eleventh grade to the tenth grade when right-wing Republicans took their seats after the 2010 midterm elections, we figure ultra-right whacko constituents have to be dumber than the Tea Partiers congressmen they elected. So we think we can get away with not really changing any of our other positions at least till the midterm elections.”

 


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