A Shifferbrains “Pill of Truth” Interview – Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum: says academia and "smart people" were the first to fall to Satan

Our standard procedure at Shifferbrains is to require that all interviewees take the “Shifferbrains Pill of Truth” at least one hour before being interviewed.

The “Pill of Truth” is a potent drug that that causes one to involuntarily tell the truth, known to be a potent drug, as well. The Truth Pill is a difficult pill to swallow, even for the average person, but it can be especially difficult for politicians, business, and religious leaders. Shifferbrains salutes these intrepid explorers who have the dash, daring, and gullets to expand their horizons and try something new.

I interviewed Rick Santorum after the Arizona Republican debate last night to get his views on the debate and to compare his “performance” with the other candidates. Following are Mr. Santorum’s cogent remarks:

[Bart] Mr. Santorum, thank you for doing a Shifferbrains interview; it’s very much appreciated and very courageous of you. Before we begin, can you please confirm that you have taken the Shifferbrains Pill of Truth we provided you?

“Courageous” is the one word that describes Rick Santorum (per Rick Santorum)

[Rick] Yes, Bart, as I said last night, “courageous” is the one word that describes me. There’s no way around it; I am a courageous guy. I took the Shifferbrains Pill of Truth, and I might add that considering how small it is, I was surprised just how difficult it is to swallow.

[Bart] A large number of test politicians and religious leaders have had similar experiences; we’re working on that. Now, let me ask you, Rick, if I may call you, Rick, how do you think you did tonight against Romney, Gingrich, and Ron Paul?

[Rick] The truth?  Just kidding; I was just making sure you were paying attention. The truth is I got my lunch handed to me. Romney with that old buzzard, Ron Paul, really cleaned my clock. What’s weird is, after taking the Shifferbrains truth pill, telling the truth doesn’t seem so bad. Anyway, yeah, they got me. Especially with Romney and Ron Paul double-teaming me. That old man can give a woodpecker a headache.

[Bart] How did they “get” you and what makes you think you were double teamed?

[Rick] Romney did his homework and really stuck it to me over supporting Arlen Specter for the other Senate seat in 2004 over Pat Toomey. Specter was a moderate and Toomey, a conservative. It turns out that turkey, Specter, voted for ObamaCare and was the vote that put it over the top. I shuolda’known better, but Specter lent me a bunch of staff when I ran in 1994, so I felt that I had to pay him back, even if his principles were a lot different than mine. I didn’t see Romney coming with that and got blind-sided. I was trying to make him look bad and he turned it around on me and I got nervous.

[Bart] Yes, the crowd made some angry noises. But when Romney criticized you when voted for Bush’s “No child Left Behind” education program, I thought it was very honest of you when you admitted to knuckling under and going against your principles, after recently telling everyone you held firm on your principles.

[Rick] What happened was I took the Shifferbrain Pill of Truth too early and it started working during the debate, not after, and I told the damned truth! And I wound up looking like a shifferbrain. Thanks a lot, Bart.

[Bart] I’m sorry, I should have made the timing more clear to you. It’s important to take Shifferbrane Pill of Truth as directed. Quite honestly, though, we can’t be held responsible for all the other times you came out looking like a shifferbrain for the things you said.

[Rick] OK, that’s fair. But what really bothers me is that people don’t understand that  just because I have principles, that doesn’t mean that I’m obligated to do what I say. Sometimes we get in situations where, like I said during the debate, being a “team player” and doing what party big shots tell me to do is more important to me than the principles I talk about. After all, I have to work with these people. I want your readers to understand that this is important, something I believe, and most importantly, standing partially firm on principles is a principle I stand firm on.

[Bart] Thank you for clarifying that, Rick, and letting us know where you stand, on principle.

[Rick] No, problem, Bart. I just wanted to be absolutely clear about my principles.

[Bart] Rick, I have to ask you, when Jon King, the moderator of the debate, asked Ron Paul why he was running ads calling you a fake, you didn’t seem too upset. You just sat there next to Paul when he replied, “Because he’s a fake,” and went on to explain in some detail why. I thought, other than looking chagrined, you’d show some anger about the question and Pauls’ reply. After all, he did take you to task for your voting for expenditures, like the Bush’s “No child left behind” education bill, then saying you were now voting to do away with the program.

[Rick] I thought about acting angry, but darn it, Bart, Ron Paul was backing up his statement and nailing me to a cross and I sure didn’t want to get that crazy old coot going any more than he was. So, I pretended to laugh it off. I really had no idea how low-down mean that old man could get.

[Bart] Do you think Ron Paul saying you’re a fake has anything to do with you telling people that Satin is systematically destroying America, and has already got academia and most Protestants, too, as in the following clip?

(video imbed: Santorum: “Satan is systematically destroying America,”

[Rick]  Naw, my belief that Satan is real and destroying America is something entirely different. It scares the crap out of the evangelicals, though, and that certainly helps in my poll numbers. I talk about Satan and they get twitchy all over. All you have to do is talk about evil and socialism and Obama not really being a Christian and the evangelicals and ultra right-wingers will come up and bite on those puppies like a large-mouth bass on a June bug. I like getting them cranked up and to be honest, I get myself cranked up doing it.

[Bart] Well, you did get some blowback recently calling President Obama’s beliefs a fake theology. I do have to compliment you, though, for being this high in the polls for the Republican nomination. Most people didn’t think you had a chance when you started. Why do you think that is, Rick?

[Rick] A lot of it is just plain lucky timing, Bart, not me. Thirty years ago someone as extreme as me wouldn’t have had a chance to win the nomination to be the Republican candidate for President. But for the last thirty years or so, faith-based political action committees like the Moral Majority and Focus on Family made good inroads at the grass roots levels to take over the nominating caucuses, filling them with evangelicals and ultra right-wing conservatives. And as you know, to win delegates in Republican caucuses, making them believe you’re a good Christian is a lot more important than being competent or having the emotional maturity, smarts, and temperament to do a good job. The First Amendment is a gonner with these guys, but we always manage to turn it around and yell about religious freedom when people stop us from doing things like keeping women from having affordable access to contraceptives through health insurance. It also helps someone like me if I’m able to scare the base and make the issues appear like an “evil them” against “us Christians” kind of thing.

[Bart] Bill Buckley did a lot to stop them and even got the extremist John Birch Society thrown out of the Republican Party. But I see they’re back, now, and represented in a number of caucuses along with evangelicals and religious people.

[Rick] Well, thank goodness they made a comeback, because without the right-wing extremists in the Republican party and the caucuses, they couldn’t have voted out the moderate Republicans. That’s why us godly Christian people are running the show, not counting Romney, of course, because he’s a Mormon and not real Christian. He’s got that false theology, too, like Obama.

[Bart] One last final question, Rick. Why, after winning two senate elections, were you beaten in 2006 senate race by Bob Casey, by a whopping eighteen percentage points? There’s losses and there’s losses, but for an incumbent with two terms under his belt to lose by eighteen points is an amazing rejection by the voters. What makes you think you can win a general election after the voters in your own state threw you down the proverbial well? Is there anything that Obama’s people can use against you in the fall if you are the Republican nominee?  Were the voters of Pennsylvania mad at you about something?

[Rick] How long does that damned Shifferbrain Pill of Truth take to stop working? Can I answer that after the truth pill wears off, say in an hour or so? If you were Charlie Krauthammer, I wouldn’t worry so much. It’s easy to get him cranked up, too.

[Bart] The Shifferbrain Pill of Truth doesn’t work that way, Rick. We do a one of a kind interview where if you say something, the pill destroys all of your inhibitions about telling the truth. This is far different than knocking out any inhibitions you may have about lying. With the truth pill, you simply aren’t afraid of the truth – at least while you’re “under the influence.”

[Rick] You mean the truth will set me free?

[Bart] You got it, Smiley.  Some subjects are very strong-minded and they can refuse to answer; that way by not saying anything they’re not really lying.

[Rick] To be quite honest, Bart, my mind isn’t that strong, so I’ll tell you about a couple of truth items, bullet point style, to make it easier for you to keep up with all my truth telling. Here goes:

To tell the truth, there’s a whole lot more about me at this Wikipedia link, but I don’t think I want you to go there to read about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rick_Santorum.

[Bart] Well, thank you for sharing that with us, Rick, and for being so open and honest with me and all the readers at Shifferbrains. It is very much appreciated.

[Rick] Thank you, Bart. I have to tell you, though, telling the truth is pretty damned scary, but really exciting at the same time!

 


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