TAMPA, FLA The Nedelman Report
It was keynote speaker time at the Republican National Convention last night and Chris Christie, New Jersey’s what a mafia don should look like governor, gave a rousing portrayal of Mitt Romney as a man to be respected by voters, but not loved, and definitely not feared, a sign of respect Governor Christie reserves only for President Obama.
Exuding the megalomaniac persona of a drug kingpin ordering a hit on a competitor, Christie exhorted his virtues to the malleable RNC crowd, whipping them into a frenzy of saccharine-laced patriotism by elaborating a recurring and meaningless Republican platitude:
“We are beginning to do what is right … to make our country great again.”
A smidgeon of what Christie left unsaid was:
“What makes this country really great is the top 100 hugely profitable US corporations pay virtually no taxes. Is that great or what! Mitt Romney, our nominee, managed to scam $100,000,000 into a personal IRA account by laying off workers and never paying taxes on any of it. And the highest tax rates of Wall Street hedge fund managers making millions are limited to 15%. Like me, Mitt Romney really understands how to stick it to middle class and break it off. That’s what makes this country great!”
Mitt Romney responded to questions on the issue laying off workers during his Bain Capital years in order to boost the prices of valuable stock he put into his pension accounts at near zero valuation:
“The real reason I liked to fire workers is that I personally profited from each firing in an amount, on average, equal to their annual salary. If I could fire a $60,000 per year worker, that was $60,000 into my pocket.”
The personal profit accruing to Romney by firing workers resulted from two sources – watch the ball, here – 1) temporarily inflated values on personally held stock Romney acquired in the “restructuring” of companies, and 2) huge fees made possible by the cost savings of exporting jobs. Romney defends firing the workers based on fairness:
“I treated the workers as I would myself: none of us had to pay much in taxes after I fired them. That’s as fair as I l know how to make it.”
Ann Romney, wife of the Mitt, attempted to woo the women’s vote by schmaltzily telling “Mitt stories” at the convention,
“I know this good and decent man for what he is — warm and loving and patient,” she said. “Mitt didn’t even get mad at our dog after he threw up after Mitt tied his cage to the roof of the car for eight hours. All you working moms out there, also remember that Mitt bought me a dressage horse I entered into the London Olympics.
These comments brought the one hundred or so independently wealthy Republican women cheering to their feet. Emboldened, Ann Romney pressed her luck:
Mitt likes Mormon nostalgia for the past, so I really don’t mind wearing wigs and pretending I’m a different hotty wife a lot of the time. Our five children were all conceived by fictitious mothers, but worthwhile all the same. Yes, I know people say Mitt has more social and political positions than the Kama Sutra, but Mittsky is a true conservative at heart. All of our children were conceived using Mitt’s tried and true basic Mormon missionary position while wearing special Mormon underwear… kinda like those goofy boys dressed like Italian waiters that come to your door to lay a Jesus trip on you, only horizontal and much less animated.”
In an effort to show the colorful off-white world that the Republican Party is an inclusive party for everyone, the RNC set aside a painfully transparent extended period only for non-white speakers. Unfortunately, a black, female camera operator was racially taunted and pelted with peanuts from RNC convention delegates (unfortunately, the Nedelman Report is not making this part up), and told, ‘This is how we feed animals.’”
The Nedelman Report finds the proposals and attitudes espoused at this Republican National Convention to have evolved to be even more objectively surreal and more socially Darwinian than those positions taken at the RNC that nominated George W. Bush of Texas, who was asked not to attend this RNC.