Romney: 47% of Americans are Parasites

Mitt Romney
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Mitt Romney wowed an audience of wealthy Republican donors at a May fundraiser with the inclusive, heart-warming message that forty-seven percent of Americans are worthless parasites lacking in self-respect. It’s refreshing to see that Romney sends the same message to all audiences.

Romney tendered his heartfelt message by acknowledging Americans need to pull together to get America moving again with these words (he really said this):

“There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president [Obama] no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what,”

The Nedelman Report has developed highly sophisticated RBL (Read Between the Lines) software which it uses to translate the meaning and nuanced messaging of politicians and televangelists encouraging their audience to believe they are completely sane. Filtering Romney’s statement through our RBL software produces the following results:

“There are 47 percent of Americans who are parasites living off the other 53 percent. These 47 percent of parasitic voters think they’re victims and are looking for a free lunch at our expense: free healthcare, free food, free lodgings, and free medical care. These worthless leeches living in America’s gut will vote for Obama, no matter what, because they feel entitled, really don’t want to work, and want to suck America dry. Additionally, Obama supporters have no self-respect, not the kind of real self-respect all of us wealthy people have at this fundraiser, anyway.”

What Romney did not make clear was if any of the parasitic 47 percent of Americans from all walks of life who support President Obama held gainful employment of any kind, other than the implied  street crime, begging, and drug dealing, all of which happen to pay significantly higher tax rates on income than Romney, himself, pays.

Further demonstrating his inclusiveness in formulating his policies going forward, Romney added (yes, he really said this, too):

“My job is not to worry about “those” people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives. What I have to do is convince the 5-10 percent of people who are independents, that are thoughtful, that look at voting one way or the other depending upon, in some cases, emotion, whether they like the guy or not.”

Running this last Romney statement through the Nedelman Report’s RBL software produced the following results:

“I’m not going to worry about worthless, low-budget parasites who support Obama because those losers and leeches will never take responsibility for their lives by voting for me, anyway. To get elected, I have to convince 5-10 percent of the most gullible independents who will not recognize my disingenuous narcissism and believe that, like God, I know their dreams, feel their pain, and will answer their prayers. This assumes, of course, they meet the minimum requirement of netting $250,000 per year, after tax

Monday evening, Mitt Romney was contrite and did grudgingly admit that his comments were “not elegantly stated.” The Nedelman Report RBL software, after ten attempts, could find no way of “elegantly” restating Mitt Romney’s contention that 47 percent of Americans are worthless parasites.

The Nedelman Report has awarded Mr. Romney a “Shifferbrains Award” for his comments.


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