In an effort to reverse disastrous poll numbers among women voters, Mitt Romney had a sex-change operation on Saturday, thereby making her the first woman presidential candidate.
“Since becoming a woman,” Romney says, “I have become a softer, gentler candidate.” She also legally changed her name from Mitt to “Mittens.”
Mittens emerged from the Beverly Hills clinic wearing a slinky black cocktail dress by Versace, an elegant necklace and earrings from Bulgari, and FM pumps by Jimmy Choo. Mittens had this to say about his latest and most dramatic transformation to date:
“I need voters to know that I really do care about 47% more Americans than I did just two weeks ago, but people keep saying that I am just trying to con them into voting for me. So what better way to show the softer, gentler side of me than by becoming a woman? If this doesn’t prove that I’ll say and do anything to become your next President, nothing will.”
Mittens Romney has been a woman for only two days, but has taken new stances in an extremely long line of stances on his previous murkilly-stancelled positions. Romney, speaking with a throaty passion not heard, before, revealed his newly morphed beliefs:
“I’ve worked hard to clarify my old positions and merge them into my previous positions in order to take seriously new quasi-conservative centrist positions on issues as the first liberal woman candidate for President:
Contraception: “I’m for it. As President, I cannot afford to become pregnant. Besides, having PMS and the nuclear strike codes at the same time is not a good idea.”
Abortion: “Good Christians know that God would want you to vote for a woman and not that misogynist, Obama.”
Obamacare: “I now support healthcare for anyone who needs it, providing they are able to get to a doctor entirely on their own without help from anyone. Paul Ryan and I agree that this is the best way to cut rising hospital costs.”
Foreign Aid: “I now support foreign aid, but only to countries that provide secret bank accounts for Americans dodging taxes.”
Social Security: “I support Paul Ryan’s plan to continue to keep social security in force until the elections are over. After the elections, Paul Ryan’s plan would go into effect and senior citizens needing money to live on after they retire can ask their parents.”
Tax reform: “Wealthy people got wealthier legislating tax breaks on investment income that are fifty percent lower than the middle-class pays on their working income. Who cares if the Bush’s tax breaks for the wealthy contributed nine trillion dollars to the deficits and national debt the last ten years. If it aint; broke, don’t fix it.”
Reporters asked Mittens Romney what he was most looking forward to as a woman. Mittens blushed deeply and sighed:
“You know, after doing what I did to so many thousands of workers when I ran Bain Capital, just once it will be interesting to see what it really feels like. But I have to wait to see if Obamacare will cover my breast implants.”
Mittens was seen giving her private phone number to three stud-muffin reporters.