ATLANTIC CITY (Nedelman Report) — In a campaign stop in Atlantic City, New Jersey, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for his failure of leadership for allowing hurricane Sandy to reach North America.
While lashing out at President Obama, Romney also lashed himself to a telephone pole in the 145 mile an hour winds and delivered the following message to a group of Tea Party supporters who chained themselves to nearby trees and traffic signals to hear Romney’s message.
“Thank you all for coming to hear me blame President Obama’s failure of leadership for this seriously preventable super-storm. If I had been President, this storm would have never reached North America. I would have used my vast business experience exporting jobs to China and exported hurricane Sandy to Iran, where it would have prevented them from completing nuclear weapons tomorrow. And the tomato worm outbreak last spring in Waycross, Georgia was President Obama’s fault, too.”
Soggy Tea Party members who hadn’t been torn from their moorings in the storm cheered wildly upon hearing Romney’s message critical of the President. Local Tea Party chairperson, Cynthia Whitebread, flashed a smile when the three tea bags stapled to her forehead blew away and disappeared down the Atlantic City boardwalk, but she managed to hold onto the AK-47 assault rifle strapped across her back. When Whitebread was asked why she would brave 145 mile per hour winds to hear Mitt Romney say even more obviously deceitful things than usual, she replied:
“Being good evangelical Christians, we can either blame this storm on God or on President Obama. Everything happens for a reason, so these are the only choices that make any sense to right-thinking evangelical Christian Tea Partiers. Even though we did call black congressmen, “niggers,” on their way to congress during a Tea Party rally last year, it is not our paranoia or our visceral hatred for a black President that makes us show up in a hurricane to hear Romney tell lies.”
But it is important that we Tea Partiers vent our hatred and fear of change, or we might go off the deep-end and really do something crazy. Mitt Romney tells me and every ultra-right-wing crazy exactly what we need to hear to stop being afraid for 10-15 minutes of every day, even if what he says is different at every stop.”
A poll asking what makes Tea Party members so loyal to Romney, it was determined that Tea Party members have an innate slavish devotion to anyone who looks like they applied forty-five coats of auto lacquer to lock their hair in place. Therefore, believing Mitt Romney is not unlike believing the dubious claims of their Sunday morning televangelist’s with similar looking poofed-out lacquered hair.
Tea party advocate, Lamar Goodfellow, offered the following by way of explanation:
“If we can believe everything we hear from our evangelical preachers about President Obama being the anti-Christ, we certainly have no problem believing every lie Mitt Romney tells us, too. Tea Party people are the kind of good Christian people that don’t think bad things about other people, unless they happen to be different from us in any way. We don’t care that Mitt Romney really believes Jesus will make Indianapolis, Indiana his home when he returns to earth for the Second Coming (the Nedelman Report is really not making this up). We just can’t wait for a good Christian who believes really crazy crap to be given U.S. nuclear strike codes. The faster nuclear Armageddon comes, the faster Jesus is going to get here, and fulfilling prophesy really gives us Christians something to be hopeful about.”
Hurricane Sandy subsided when it realized it couldn’t blow as hard or as long as Mitt Romney.