Romney Loses, Moves Money Offshore

Mitt Romney loses election
Photo credit: Charles Dharapak / AP (cropped)

BOSTON (The Nedelman Report) — Mitt Romney, decisively losing the presidency, gave his moral a boost by moving the rest of his money and holdings offshore into secret, non-taxable bank accounts in Bermuda, the Cayman Islands, Switzerland, and Lichtenstein.

Romney offered the following reasons for moving his U.S. holdings to secret foreign depositories:

“Some people go shopping at Saks or Rodeo Drive when they’re depressed or had their life’s dreams smashed by angry American moochers and parasites looking for handouts from the government. Me, I shop for secret offshore banks and trusts; that’s what makes me feel better and really rings my chimes. If I had released my last ten years of tax returns and voters had seen the crap I pulled to avoid taxes, they would have voted to deport me to Bosnia instead of for President.”

Although Mitt Romney did threaten voters that he would hold his breath if they did not vote for him, he appears to be breathing normally this morning. He added that he was very relieved not to have to tell any more lies.

“It’s really hard coming up with all the crazy crap lies I tell people on a daily basis about myself and President Obama without repeating myself. But my good wife Anne helps me, and that’s what a good marriage is all about – being able to think up good lies to tell voters to get them to trust you. As enough voters finally figured out, my whole campaign was based on lies. Even Krauthammer and Dick Morris never wised up. Got them good.”

After Romney’s concession speech, Paul Ryan returned to his hotel and read Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged in one sitting. He emerged this morning on his 3rd floor balcony and shaking his fists, shouted the following statement to the commuters below:

“Vee ver stabbed in za back by za inferior 47% moochers und takers uf our holy production. Vee vill emerge stronger und zen vee vill take over da vorld! No retreat und no contraception und no voomen’s rights! Their ovaries, wombs, und vaginas belong to da state! Now, I gotta go out and kill something and eat it as a tribute to Ayn Rand and Rush Limbaugh.”

Karl Rove, Crossroads PAC founder who funneled almost a billion dollars of untraceable dark money into the Republican campaign, and Charles Krauthammer, obsessed right wing syndicated columnist known for his vitriol and lack of objectivity, issued a joint statement saying that President Obama’s victory was a Euro-socialist lie and that they would announce the real American results of the election later in the day.


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