Romney Seeks Handicapped Female Black Latino Illegal Immigrant for VP

Mitt Romney searches for running mate. Photo credit: Salon

In an effort to bolster his base of reasonably sane supporters to beat President Obama in the fall elections, Mitt Romney is desperately looking for a crippled, or at least handicapped in some way, female black Latino illegal immigrant for his VP running mate.

Mitt Romney is not polling well with Latinos, blacks, Asians, women, thousands of middle-class workers who lost their jobs due to Romney outsourcing at Bain Capital, handicapped people, older people on Social Security, evangelical Christians who don’t think he’s a real Christian, Muslims, students, people with chronic medical conditions in need of affordable medical insurance, the objectively rational, and people with IQ’s one standard deviation point above the norm.

Currently, these groups think Romney is a ruthless elitist and Republican strategists are well aware that they have a lot of work to do to either fool or confuse these voters into voting for Mitt Romney.

Until now, Romney’s choice for a Vice President has been a closely guarded secret. Condoleezza Rice’s name has been bantered about, but her combined foreign policy expertise in the Bush 43 administration, her superior education, and her musical accomplishment make Republican insiders doubtful, fearing that Rice may appear either “too rational, too qualified, or too uppity” for the Tea Party and majority ultra-right-wing Republican base. Republican pollster and strategist, Biff Branston, had this to say, “off the record.”

“We know Romney needs to balance his cavalier, elitist, American job-destroying image with a VP choice that demonstrates to the 99% middle class what a real pal and a sweet sensitive person he can be. We don’t want middle class voters to come out of the ether and realize that by electing Romney as President, they’d be handing him all the power he needs to stick it to the middle class beyond his wildest dreams. Finding a VP that can help trick the middle class into feeling comfortable enough to trust Romney won’t be easy, but not entirely impossible.”

On another front, Egypt’s deposed dictator, Hosni Mubarak, issued the following statement from his jail cell, where he remains under a life sentence:

“If Mitt Romney can arrange to have me fired from jail as easily as he fired thousands of Americans from jobs, I’ll show him ways to hide wealth he never dreamed of. Hiding millions in the Cayman Islands is for chumps.”

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