Romney Tells Latinos to Learn Spanish

Romney is thrilled to shake hands with a Latino for the first time

ORLANDO, FLORIDA Thursday, June 21

Mitt Romney spoke at the National Assn. of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials here today, attacking President Obama’s DREAM Act as “stop-gap measures,” while offering few details of his “Berlitz Spanish Solution” to the United States immigration problem.

“As usual with all my big plans and policy solutions, I can’t give you any details, now, but for those Latinos who were brought here illegally at an early age and who don’t speak Spanish, my solution will include the government subsidizing six weeks of Berlitz Spanish lessons to you at half-price before taking any action. That’s only fair.”

When pressed to explain further, Romney reiterated that he could not disclose more immigration reform details, explaining that he had to pander to both ultra right-wing whack-jobs before the Republican National Convention and encourage Latinos to vote for him during the general election, an impossible task unless he continues to lie to one or both disparate groups at the same time.

Romney went on to say (I’m really not kidding; he actually said this):

“We may not always agree, but when I make a promise to you, I will keep it.”

Upon hearing this, a man at the back of the room was heard to ask, “Who invited Pinocchio to speak, today?”

Romney, during his tenure at Bain Capital, is remembered for his ruthless firing of thousands of middle class workers in order to increase wealth extraction profits to him and his clients. When asked about his statement, “I like to fire people,” and if he would take the same cavalier approach to illegal immigrants, Romney, caught off-guard, forgot himself and responded honestly,

“It’s true; I’ve always enjoyed firing people from companies we took over because there’s a big, fast buck to be made doing it. I’ve never fired anyone from a country before and deported them; there’s no juice in that. But you have to admit, firing 11 million illegal immigrants from the United States and deporting them within 30 days of taking office could give a guy a rush on general principles, alone, and be something to be proud of.”

In the stunned silence that followed, Romney valiantly tried to recover by saying he looked forward to having dinner with the Latino representatives.

“Thank you for having me speak and I know I addressed all your questions and concerns. I look forward to breaking bread wi… breaking tacos with you at dinner. I’m really looking forward to your famous free jollies and carnal Masada. By the way, do you pronounce tortilla like gorilla?  Anyway, just make sure there’s no wet-backs working in the kitchen. That wouldn’t look too good with Republican voters.”

Frejoles (refried beans) and carne asada (beef flank)


  1. OMG! Hilarious sattire! It kind of captures the character and the disconnect… Good job!

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