Santorum Believes He’s the Next Ronald Reagan

Rick Santorum delivers first major foreign policy speech at the Jelly Belly company

FAIRFIELD, Calif. — Showing off his foreign policy chops, Rick Santorum delivered what he promoted as his “first major foreign policy speech”… at One Jelly Belly Lane of all places, the Jelly Belly company where the much beloved Ronald Reagan got his stash of jelly beans.  To conservative Republicans, the site is now considered as sacred as Independence Hall.

Standing before a large picture of Reagan’s face made entirely of jelly beans, Santorum delivered his major foreign policy speech with 1,642 jelly beans glued to his face and hands in order to emphasize his “I’m your next Ronnie Reagan” theme.

This symbolism was lost on many in the crowd due to the word, “shifferbrain,” (say it quickly) Santorum’s make-up artist spelled out in white jelly beans across his forehead. Santorum talked for two hours about the depth of his foreign policy experience with Ohio, New York, and West Virginia while a senator from Pennsylvania. In a controversial move as a senator, Santorum ceased diplomatic relations and closed off the borders with Maryland and declared war on New Jersey.

When asked why he had the word, “shifferbrain,” on his forehead for his major foreign policy speech, Santorum replied, “I saw that word, niarbreffihs, in the mirror after the glue-job, and as everyone knows, it means “no contraceptives” in Spanish. Denying both gay men and straight women access to affordable contraception is an issue of great importance to God and me, if all the voices in my head are to be believed.”

Santorum also hammered the President, saying “President Obama has failed to keep the “godless Red Chinese” from flooding the international markets with cheap, green jelly beans, the one color no one likes. That jelly bean does not deserve a second term!”

Because of their shared love of jelly beans, the staunchly conservative Tea party crowd seemed confused at this jelly bean reference to President Obama and stood mute and shuffled about. This prompted Santorum to attack Mitt Romney. “I know for a fact that Mitt Romney is a fake conservative and hates jelly beans! At Bain Capital he took over a heavy industrial equipment company and not only sold off the jelly bean division, he sold off all the employees, along with his mother, too.”

After hearing of these comments, Romney replied, “After Santorum drops out of the race, I sure hope Obamacare will help the pay the costs of surgery for Santorum to remove his head from his ass.”


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