Santorum Gets Pissy: Says Vote for Obama, not Etch A Sketch Romney

Santorum pouts, "Might as well vote for Obama" | Photo: newsmax.com

SAN ANTONIO, TX – (Shifferbrains) – Rick Santorum, coming off a nasty drubbing by Romney in the Illinois primary, threw a hissy-fit in San Antonio, yesterday. A petulant Santorum,  suggested to voters that it would be better to stick with President Obama over Romney, who might be “the Etch A Sketch candidate of the future.”

Santorum, equally well known for his pathological worries about Satan in academia, sex, and homosexuality as he is for his cheap shots, took one more inexpensive poke at rival Mitt Romney after Romney’s adviser, Eric Fehrnstrom, said that Romney would flip-flop on his positions, again, in the fall, starting over like shaking an Etch A Sketch.

One of the five known remaining certifiably sane and lucid republicans said that “Flopper” Romney will unequivocally abandon his current draconian, ultra-conservative, ovary-obsessed  evangelical positions and take reasonably sane economic and social positions for the fall elections to fool the independents. He further added:

“Mitt thinks he needs to do this new flip-flop in order to win the hearts, minds, and votes of the gullible center electorate, and voters of both parties with short memories or dementia.”

At a campaign stop, Santorum, in his characteristic pouty delivery, said,

“If you’re going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk with what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate of the future.”

"I'll abandon the right-wing whack-jobs in the fall - and any remaining principles I have left, too."

With these remarks a silence fell over the crowd until Santorum tightly squeezed his eyes shut, balled his fists over his ears, then frantically shook his head from side to side while stamping his feet like a crazed Flamenco dancer on meth, added, “Na na na na na na na na na …… and NAAAAAAAAA!”

The Texas crowd of Tea Party advocates and ultra right-wing conservatives cheered wildly over Santorum’s final remark supporting their vision for America and what they thought was Santorum’s version of the Texas Two-Step.

A Santorum supporter in the crowd wearing a large “Cinco de Mayo” button and tri-corner hat, Mr. Buckwheat Rodriguez, joyfully clapped his hands and yelled back to Santorum on stage, “You tell ‘em, Ricky!  Don’ let that liberal booger, Romney, Satan sent us become the next President!” The conservative Texas crowd went wild a second time at the mention by a Mexican illegal of two of their favorite words, “booger” and “Satan.” Upon leaving, Buckwheat yelled to the crowd, “Gotta go now if I wanna’ swim the Rio Grande and make back in time for dinner.”

Santorum, buoyed by Buckwheat’s words of encouragement, yelled back, “Hey Buckwheat, come back and vote for me on election day, and bring all your friends, too. Be sure to do that before we close the border!”

Later, Romney, when asked a direct question about Santorum’s pissy “vote for Obama” remark,  characteristically avoided giving anyone a direct answer and, instead, attacked President Obama, saying, “I blame President Obama for his failure in not successfully failing to pass Obama Care which I successfully helped Obama design and unsuccessfully pass. And don’t ask me about the undervalued stock tax dodge I invented to get $50 million into my IRA.”

Romney further stated, “I take a Joseph Goebbels approach to politics – he was Hitler’s propaganda minister, y’all know – and that is, if you tell a big enough lie, often enough, you can get lots of people to believe you. This is much easier than having to defend my previous positions to a bunch of right-wing, evangelical whacko’s voting in the primaries.”

On another front, Newt Gingrich noted that continuing his candidacy in the face of such puny delegate results, miserly support, and massive derision from people in both parties, and including Hugo Chavez, “is necessary in order to prove to everyone that I, Newtrino Gingrich, continue to be the man with the biggest ideas, ego, and balls… and boogers.”


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