Santorum Surrenders at Gettysburg!

Confederate General Robert E. Lee

Confederate General Robert E. Lee

Unlike the Confederate general, Robert E. Lee, or Union general, Mead, in 1863, Rick Santorum chose not to fight at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, but instead, surrendered to Mitt Romney, the corporate marauder from Massachusetts.

Losing to Romney in the polls in his home state of Pennsylvania cemented Santorum’s courageous  decision to quit while he was behind. Despite all of Santorum’s flag waving and finger-raised, bully-boy bravado, his courage deserted him right before his greatest fight.

The risk of losing Pennsylvania loomed large. During Santorum’s last senate campaign for his third term as Senator, Santorum lost by whopping 18% against his sane rival who, unlike Santorum, didn’t wear hokey sweater-vests as visual props to demonstrate a “normal mental state.”

Losing senatorial election by, say 5%, is normal. And a loss by 10% falls in the “got your ass kicked” range. Losing by 18% – particularly with the inherent advantages a sitting two-term senatorial incumbent offers – obviously means a lot of people think something is seriously wrong with you far beyond your policies.

Santorum with is proposed cabinet picks for “Women’s Issues” and “Homeland Morality.”

Rick Santorum with Becky Thatcher and Huck Finn, his proposed cabinet picks, respectively, for “Women’s Reproductive Issues” and “Homeland Morality.” Photo: Seth Perlman/AP

A Pennsylvania resident and previous Santorum supporter asked, “Can you imagine what it’s like having to listen to this self-righteous, moralizing twit of a senator for twelve straight years?”

Another resident added, “Between knocking gays, trying to take away a woman’s right to make choices for herself, wanting to allow the auto industry to go out of business, and always going on about Satan attacking smart people in academia and the rest of us, we finally figured out he was an ultra right-wing whack-job.  The man ran on about Satan like a continuous looped video – we had to vote him out.”

Santorum will be missed, though, especially by one vocal and national group of supporters, Narcissists Anonymous, which said,

“Santorum is like an opera singer who stutters – do re me me me me me me me. The only one who can beat him talking about himself is another member, Newt Gingrich, our “big idea” man.”

The spokesman for Narcissists Anonymous, calling himself Lemarr the Great,  released this statement:

“We’re very sorry Rick Santorum dropped out of the race. We lost a candidate who upheld the greatest virtues of American political thinking – everything was about him and he had absolutely no boundaries, not even, constitutionally, between church and state.

Santorum can say incredibly stupid, inane, and self-serving things and not even have a clue about the weird impression he’s making on people. The country should know it lost a truly great narcissist who, if he had been elected President,  would have done a great deal of good only for himself.”

At his “Cut and Run” concession speech, in his usual grandiose and unthinking fashion, Santorum stood at the lectern  festooned with his with his “Join the Fight” slogan, and promptly announced he was quitting. If this wasn’t ridiculous enough, without the barest hint humility he then compared himself to one of America’s greatest presidents, Abraham Lincoln, when he gave his Gettysburg Address. Santorum stated:

“What I tried to bring to the battle was what Abraham Lincoln brought to this battlefield back in 1863 on November 19th. He talked about this country being conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” 

When questioned if he knew Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address by heart, Santorum, chagrined, admitted that he didn’t know the exact address where Lincoln stayed while in Gettysburg. Santorum finished by affirming that women are created “equal,” too, as long as they follow all the instructions men give them about how to live their lives.

People the world over do remember and still marvel at the words of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. It is doubtful people will remember the words of a self-serving, braggadocios politician who chose to run away at Gettysburg before the decisive battle.


Comments are closed on this post
%d bloggers like this: