SCOTUS (the Supreme Court of the United States) has upheld Obama Care this morning and congressional Republicans have vowed to retaliate and make everyone in America sick as possible as quickly as possible.
Congratulations are pouring in on the international front. In a surprise move, all three current presidential candidates in Mexico have applied for Obama Care as a show of unity and support for the measure, while all seven conservative drug cartels issued press releases saying they will continue to fight Obama Care with all their strength and drug profits from the United States. They doubled-down on their threat, saying:
“Any American who overdoses and uses Obama Care for treatment will no longer be sold drugs from a Central American drug cartel at the street price, but will have to pay a penalty similar to those who don’t buy the mandated health insurance. The drug cartels stand with Republicans on Obama Care as our concerns about extracting the maximum amount of money from the average American for us guys at the top 1% are the same.”
Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, was visibly upset after his handpicked nominee to SCOTUS, Chief Justus John Roberts, wrote the majority opinion supporting the constitutionality of Obama Care. McConnell had this to say:
“It despicable that John Roberts betrayed the Republican trust we placed in him when we nominated him for SCOTUS by not betraying the American people on Obama Care. Roberts knows that the primary Republican agenda is to make President Obama look bad on everything, even if it’s good for the American people. And that turncoat went ahead and did the right thing, anyway. Next time, we’re going to buy the damned Republican nominee to SCOTUS to make sure he does as he’s told.”
President Obama told supporters the Party of 99 won the health care issue and the Party of No and 1 lost. But, in a gesture of good will and in an effort to smooth hurt Republican feelings, President Obama made the following statement:
“The constitutionality of the health care law is now established, so all you right-wing Republicans who were surprised at the SCOTUS decision, please go home and change your under wear; you already stunk up congress enough for the last two years. Oh, and while you’re at it, tell Mitt Romney his Special Mormon Underwear really worked great on supporting his health care plan in the Supreme Court.
House Speaker, John Boehner (really pronounced “bone-er”) was outraged at the SCOTUS decision supporting Obama Care and had this to say:
“It is socialistically outrageous, whatever that means, that health insurance companies no longer have the right to deny a woman’s claims for breast cancer treatment after she is diagnosed and has paid health insurance premiums for years. From now on, conservative Republicans will work even harder to sabotage President Obama’s agenda by continuing to create as many problems as possible for job creation, the recovery, the deficits, and the economy – especially with the November elections so close.”