Mitt Romney’s campaign chairman profusely apologized, saying that the set of special Mormon underwear Romney wears to ward off evil had a “wardrobe malfunction” and was solely responsible for George W. Bush’s endorsement.
Upon receiving news of Bush’s endorsement, Romney jumped up from the dinner table on his campaign bus, stripped off his clothes and raced into the shower, all the while shouting for his staff to get him a new set of his special Mormon underwear.
Romney acknowledged Bush’s endorsement with the following statement:
“There are endorsements that are just too powerful and blast through special Mormon underwear like it’s Fruit of the Loom briefs. But that does not shake my faith in my special Mormon underwear or my firm Mormon belief that American Indians are descended from one of the lost tribes of Israel. Clearly you can depend on me to make rational decisions and act rationally as your President.”
Romney then toured a Navajo reservation, asking tribe elders if there were any records for a Navajo chief named Running Bear Goldstein who lived in the area about two thousand years ago. When asked by reporters to elaborate on what he was really talking about, Romney shot back,
“Bush’s worthless endorsement only increases my resolve to follow proven successful Republican fiscal policies of wealth extraction from the middle class. Tax cuts for the wealthiest coupled with deregulation and lack of financial oversight have led to prosperity for a very small group of people – even when America tanked – is this a great country or what! And by the way, Jockey briefs are for losers.”
Republicans continue to endorse Mitt Romney much like early Christians must have come to the hungry lion-filled Roman Coliseum on “Prove Your Faith Days.” Rick Santorum, a month after dropping out, finally endorsed Romney in paragraph 13 of a rambling 11 PM email to supporters, but denies being drunk and on a crying jag at the time.
On the international front, the new Prime Minister of financially troubled Greece, Panagiotis Pikrammenos, endorsed Romney and requested that he adhere to Greece’s 200 kilometer buffer zone.
“After Romney sucked so many workers dry in his country, we can’t take the chance of allowing him into Greece. Even one Bain Capital type deal in our small country could spell disaster, worker riots, and civil unrest on a scale that would put an end to Greek civilization as we know it.”
Pat Robertson, evangelical Christian leader of the 700 Club, had this to say:
“When it comes to choosing a President, being a Mormon quasi-Christian, forbidding contraception, and relegating women to ditzy second class citizens is far more important than foreign relations, jobs, proper medical care for all citizens, and sound fiscal policy. Remember, the 700 in the 700 Club stands for the collective IQ of all of its thousands of members, and as its leader, I endorse Mitt Romney. It’s doesn’t matter how much pain and suffering Mitt brought to America while at Bain Capital, because it’s a lot more important to be a good Christian than it is to be a good person… and I’m a perfect example of that.”