Nature is creative and favors those life forms offering the most adaptable and varied gene pool. The same is true in politics. The more varied the genes in a political organism, the better chances for that creature not only to survive, but also to thrive over time as it adapts to its ever changing environment. Yes, the process is called evolution and natural selection.
The current litter of Republican presidential puppies clearly demonstrate how negative effects accumulate in the body politic when one violates nature’s laws of political inbreeding. The once good-natured and responsible Republican breed has mutated into an entirely different and surly animal than the hardy, adaptive stock of their good-natured ancestors, like a Bill Buckley, a Taft, Ev Dirksen, or a Reagan.
Spread those Republican genes
All successful dog breeders know that they must spread those genes around in order to have healthy, viable, and intelligent puppies with good bloodlines. Scraping the bottom of the gene barrel results in offspring with limited genetic make-up, stunted growth, a lack of common-sense intelligence, and puppies with a severely limited ability to adapt to their environment, as well.
Thirty years of inbreeding the offspring of faith-based political action committees and fearful, ultra right-wingers have produced today’s litter of ill-tempered, ad hominem-spouting, paranoid-sounding Republican candidates completely unsuited to the challenges of the political environment in which they find themselves fighting to survive. Even their sires, overloaded as they may be with right-wing genes, their siblings, and their distantly related Republican cousins have trouble recognizing them as Republicans, lamenting the fact that these candidates had ever been born. Of course, abortion is not an option, although the almost extinct centrist strain remaining of the original Republican breed wishes it were.
Republican candidates bred at the DeMint & Norquist kennels
First, let’s take a look at these Republican puppies, Mitt, Newt, Rick, and Ron, and compare them to their sires of long ago. For that, we’re going to the most famous Republican breeding kennel located in South Carolina: DeMint & Norquist. All faith-based and Tea Party Republican primary electors have demanded a litter of Republican puppies from this kennel be on the ballot. Three of the most inbred Republicans have already shown their excessive conservative inbreeding and failed to keep up with the pack: Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and …. what was the name of that third one who was always barking something that sounded like 9-9-9?
I’ve managed to find a Republican breeder & trainer at the kennels willing to talk to me about the puppies from the DeMint & Norquist kennel who are currently running for President. The trainer insists that he not be identified, as he says, out of fear of having a pack of mutated Republican dogs set upon him. I’ll just call him “Trainer” for our interview (the Deepthroat of the DeMint and Norquist kennels).[Bart] Trainer, how long have you been involved with the Republican candidate breeding program and what are some of the major changes you’ve witnessed over time? [Trainer] I’ve been involved in the Republican breed and the training of Repub puppies for fifty years or so. Seen a lot of changes. Fifty years ago, Bart, the Republican breed showed great, conservative promise in the bloodlines of the likes of Bill Buckley – remember him? – fearless and highly intelligent. That pooch was somethin’ else. And then there were the grand champions of the Republican party: Robert Taft, Ev Dirksen, Howard Baker, Bob Dole, and Reagan. These were friendly, likable Republicans who knew how to get along with all kinds of pooches, even Democrats. They were good-natured, conservative Republicans who wanted balanced budgets, no waste, and understood that prosperity worked for everyone and not just the few. The Republican breed, now, is mean-spirited and difficult to work with, I’m sorry to say.
Ron Paul, the runt of the litter, but the friskiest[Bart] What about Ron? [Trainer] Sure, Bart. Ron’s the runt of the litter, but he’s the gamest dog among them. He gets an idea in his head and that’s it; he ain’t goin’ to let it go. Ron’s a predictable dog, too, not like the other ones always sneaking about and never knowin’ what they’re up to. Ron has a kinda strange bark, too, and sometimes you have trouble understanding what he’s barking about, but Ron’s an honest Republican dog. With Ron, what you see is what you get, and I’ll tell you, that quality is missing in the others that are running.
Newt Gingrich: a candidate baying at the moon[Trainer] Newt’s a strange one; he spends a lot of time baying at the moon. Believe it or not, Newt used to be the leader of the pack, but he wasn’t never very good at it. Some dogs seem to have a selfish quality about them; they need to keep letting all the other dogs know who and where they are, always barking and making a fuss. [Bart] Newt seemed like he had good Republican bloodlines, at first. What happened? [Trainer] Newt sure started out good, but then he kept leading the pack into swamps and deadfalls, and such, gettin’ them into a lot of trouble, and he finally got a lot of the pack hurt in elections. The pack finally turned on him and drove him out, and he’s never forgiven them. Newt’s a dog with a long memory and a short fuse. [Bart] Isn’t Newt supposed to be the smarter representative of the Republican breed? [Trainer] Newt always acts like he’s smarter than the rest of them and he’s always barking like he’s on to something good. It can be irritating having to listen to him all the time. Most of the time, though, Newt barks just to hear himself barking; some dogs are that way. Too much inbreeding, but Newt can be a fast learner. Look how fast he learned to jump through the hoops the evangelical Christians and Tea Partiers held out for him in the primaries. Newt’s a natural born jumper; I gotta’ give him that. [Bart] How about the big pooch, over there, sitting in front of the big dog house with the four cars made in Detroit. That’s Mitt, isn’t it?
Mitt Romney: the wannabe alpha dog[Trainer] Yes, Mitt’s been fighting to be the alpha dog, but there’s something about him the rest of the pack doesn’t trust. They keep sniffing around him, but then DeMint and Norquist and a lot of their buddies keep stopping by and kicking Mitt. I told them whatever Mitt did wrong a long time ago is best forgotten. If you’re going to train a Republican dog, you have to punish him right away when you catch him doing something dirty, like RomneyCare, not five or ten years later. That doesn’t do anybody any good. Poor Mitt; he just doesn’t have good instincts and the other Republicans sense this. Mitt acts one way and then another, trying to make all the Republicans like him. Of course, the harder he tries, the less they trust him. They trust their instincts more than they trust Mitt. [Bart] Trainer, what about Rick? He sure seems feisty.
Owners return Rick to DeMint & Norquist kennels after eighteen years[Trainer] You have to keep a close watch on Rick; he’s a strange one. His previous owners over in Pennsylvania had him for eighteen years in congress, twelve years as senator, and then returned him to the kennels about five years ago. [Bart] What made them return Rick after having him that long a time? [Trainer] Rick doesn’t wear well with people; the longer you know him, the less you like him. Some pooches are just that way. They took a vote and three out of five wanted nothing more to do with him – and that’s after owning him for eighteen years. Three out of five not liking a pooch says a lot about him, and not much of it good. The advocacy group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington cited Santorum as one of its “most corrupt politicians”.
Rick’s got a mean streak in him, too. Everything goes along peaceful for a while, then Rick ups and takes a bite out of someone, just outa’ of meanness. You heard of being “suck-punched?” Well, Rick’s a “sucker-biter.” And once he gets an idea in his head, he won’t change his mind unless the rest of the pack comes down on him. Like just out’a meanness the other day saying JFK’s speech about the First Amendment meaning a strict separation of church and state made him want to “throw up.” Then, he’s apologizing this morning about saying it after everyone smacked him with a newspaper for making such a mess. Then he acts sorry, but you can tell he isn’t. Rick doesn’t have a sorry bone in his body.[Bart] Look at Rick, now. He’s acting like a crazy dog in a horror movie when an invisible evil spirit or Satan shows up to do something bad. What’s that all about? [Trainer] Underneath all the smiles and shaking paws, Rick is one weird pooch. As best we can tell, he thinks he sees invisible spirits out to harm everyone, the world, and especially him. He certainly acts like he might be paranoid about the devil. You ever hear the speech where he barks about how Satan corrupted the colleges because they’re full of people who think they’re smart, so Satan finds it easy to fool them because of their pride? If you listen to Rick’s speech, you might think Rick should be taken out of the Republican breeding program. Unfortunately, Rick and Republicans like him have turned out to be good breeders with large litters, so that’s why we have this new breed of Republican, today. They’re very different from the Republicans in the past. [Bart] Don’t the owners of the kennel, DeMint and Norquist, want a well-rounded Republican breed? [Trainer] No, they have their own agenda. What you see here in the four Republican contenders for President is the result of forty years of inbreeding with only the most conservative and faith-based elements of the Republican party being allowed to breed. In effect, the old Republican breed is gone and until we can get the faith-based political actions committees out of the program, nothing is going to change to bring the old Republican breed back from the brink of extinction. [Bart] Thanks, Trainer, for filling us in. I’ll keep your identity secret. [Trainer] No problem. I’d appreciate that. Oh, by the way, don’t let any of them around a black Democratic dog; they go absolutely crazy.